Here Come the (Hip-Hop) Clowns

Trump sat in the Oval Office. Even though the room was empty, his face was contorting slightly as he ran through conversations in his head. Occasionally, he’d make little hand gestures. There was a knock on the door. It cracked open, and Sean Spicer stuck his head through the gap.

“You wanted to see me, sir?”

Trump massaged the bridge of his nose. “Seanie, we’ve been through this. You’re supposed to be in here on the hour, every hour, to give me updates on what’s happening out there. Of course I want to see you. You need to burst through that door, though. I want you exploding through that door. I want energy. Can you give me energy Seanie?”

“I believe so, sir.”

Trump gestured a small explosion with his tiny hands. “Boom, Seanie. Energy. Let me see some energy.”

Sean Spicer sighed, then threw the door open and jumped into the room. “Sir! Sean Spicer reporting the word on the Presidency, sir!”

Trump nodded slightly. “Much better, Seanie. I want to see that sort of performance at your press conferences. So far you’ve been lackluster. I need winners on my team, Seanie.” Trump leaned back into his chair. “Alright, gimme the bad news first.”

Sean squirmed and scanned the entire room even though it was empty. “Are you sure, sir? The last time I gave you the bad news first, you had a bit of an incident.”

Trump shook his head. “Don’t worry about it Seanie boy, give it to me straight. I had a television in here, but they took it away. Said I have a bunch of…” he waved at the paper work on his desk “…stuff to read and sign. Just give me the word”.

“Okay. Well, seems like you angered a lot of scientists lately.”

Trump shrugged. “So what. I hate eggheads. They think they’re smarter than me? I went to school too, you know. I built a bunch of schools. Take away their Twitter privileges. What are they going to do?”

Sean scratched his head. “They… they kinda went and made their own Twitter accounts.”

Trump frowned. “I don’t understand. Just phone up Twitter and tell them to cancel them. Shouldn’t be hard”.

Sweat started forming on his brow. “That’s not how it works. Even if they banned those accounts, they could just make more accounts, truthfully. Also, scientists are forming their own political party.”

“Losers. I’ve never seen an egghead get laid. The only thing scientists ever win are science fairs. Look, just make them go away, okay? Easy problem, go solve it. Next piece of news”.

“Okay, well it seems that a bunch of Juggalos will march on Washington this year sometime.”

Trump squinted. “What’s a Juggalo?”

Sean threw his hands up. “Goddamned if I know, sir. I did some research, but they’re some sort of loosely organized gang that worships the Insane Clown Posse.”

“The Insane Clown… what?” Trump stared at Sean for a while.

“It’s… it’s a rap group, based out of Detroit. They have a cult like following all over the nation, mostly in poor, rural regions.”

Trump put his child-sized hand up. “I don’t like clowns, Seanie. Had one at my birthday party as a kid. You come to my party, you’re going to act with dignity. I don’t want buffoons surrounding me. What are these clowns doing? What do they want?”

Sean looked around for a chair. “Sir, can I sit down?”

Trump thought about this for a moment, then raised a finger. “No. Now, get on with the clowns.”

Sean’s shoulders slumped. “I don’t know what their agenda is. Right now it’s stating that they’re marching “For all the weirdos, freaks, and side shows” and that they’re going to “Soak the town in Faygo”.

Trump waved it off. “Whatever, they sound dangerous. We’ll send in the army when they get here.”

Sean raised an eyebrow. “You mean the National Guard, sir?”

Trump’s face twisted. “Army, National Guard. The guys with guns, Seanie, same thing. Stop being an egghead. You’re not smarter than me.” Trump clicked his pen a bunch, then looked back at Sean. “Well, Mr. Smart guy, anything else?”

Stains immediately appeared around Sean’s armpits. He started trembling slightly. “It’s bad, sir. Please don’t throw anything at me.”

Trump raised both his hands, showing Sean his palms. “Nothing here, Seanie. You just let me have it.”

Sean stared directly at the window, not looking Trump in the eyes as he spoke. “They’re giving Alec Baldwin an entire episode of Saturday Night Live“.

There was a loud crash from the Oval Office. Sean Spicer tore out of the room. Loud cussing could be heard in every part of the White House. It soon subsided, until the only sound that could be heard was gentle sobbing into incredibly minuscule hands.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. Faygo is a small brand of soda pop that comes from Detroit. It is incredibly popular with both the Insane Clown Posse and its followers the Juggalos. ICP shows usually have the rap duo spraying the drink into the crowd.

p.s.s. It hasn’t even been a week people.

 

Lies are the Spicer of Life

Note: This is a transcript of the third press conference held by Press Secretary Sean Spicer. The conference was held Tuesday, January 24th, 2017.

<Muffled noise as reporters are taking their places. Sean Spicer walks out to the podium>

“Hello, everyone. I’m glad you could all make it on such short notice. There have been a lot of lies spouted recently about not only myself but also Kellyanne Conway and many other people within the Trump team. Today, I will be making a point of clearing up some of the misconceptions so that you can untwist the media out of the crooked perverse form you’ve managed to wrangle it into.”

<A number of reporters jump up at the pause, shouting and pointing  small microphone devices in the direction of  Sean>

“Does it look like I’m taking questions today? Your job is to open your earholes and learn something. Now, what I’m talking about is complicated. It might just pass over your head. You media jerks have been calling us liars. That’s not very nice. We’ve said before, President Trump had the largest turnout for his inauguration in the history of the United States. In the words of our President, and I quote, ‘It was the bigliest inauguration ever. The ratings were good. They were so good. The ratings were through the roof. In fact, we had to get a repair person in to fix the roof. With our record attendance, we broke a roof and gave a man a job’.”

“Now, I understand some of you have been tweeting pictures of past inaugurations, and data gathered by the DC metro regarding tickets, and Nielson ratings for television. You keep throwing facts in our direction. As Kellyanne mentioned, we’re using alternative-facts here, or as we’re calling ’em now, alt-facts.”

<Four reporters scream out ‘Alt-facts?’ in unison. Loud grumbling and murmuring fill the room. One reporter faints>

“Can I finish? Can I finish, please? What you don’t know is that not only is Kellyanne Conway a very talented individual in getting people elected, she’s also has a degree in theoretical physics. What she’s discovered is this; there are an infinite number of universes, and each universe is an alternate version of this reality. And there are facts that can come from these universes, which we’ve labeled as alt-facts. So, in theory, there is an alternate universe where over a billion people tuned into the inauguration. I want you to think about that for a second.”

<More rabble from the press. One journalist gets a question out.”

“Mr. Press Secretary, Mr. Press Secretary!”

“Oh jeez, god, really? Fine, you there, in the sweater. Yes, you.”

“Margaret Sullivan, Washington Post. If what you are saying is true…”

“It is.”

“…Ahem. If what you’re saying is true, then would it stand to imagine a reality where Hillary Clinton the presidency? If the answer is yes, is there any way to travel there?”

“To put it bluntly, no. President Donald Trump is such a sensation that his popularity spans all the infinite universes. He’s that huge.”

<Shouting again from the press. More hands are raised.>

“Alright, I think I handled that last question pretty well. Let’s keep this streak going! Yes, you there.”

“Yes, hello, Gary O’Donoghue, BBC. I’ve had a little bit of time since you stated Kellyanne Conway to do some research. There doesn’t seem to be any indication that she studied physics at any of the universities she attended. Would you care to explain?”

<Sean Spicer reaches for his temples.>

“See? This is why we can’t have nice things. You’re trying to twist things here, you Limey jerk. You’re just trying to wind me up. Have you not been listening? Have you not been paying attention? There are other universes, moron, and in some of those universes Kellyanne went to MIT and studied theoretical physics and found out about these infinite universes. Is that so hard? Is it getting through your thick skull? Because you couldn’t play fair, I’m only taking one more question and it’s going to be from our friends over at Breitbart.”

<The person from Breitbart, now sitting up from the lazyboy provided for him, smirks at the reporters before asking a question.>

“Sup Sean, I had a blast over the weekend. Thanks for showing me the town. I gotta ask. How do you feel about Dippin Dots?”

<Sean Spicer’s face goes red. He starts to visibly grind his teeth.>

“Dippin Dots? Ice cream of the future? I feel like they should be taken out with extreme prejudice. I’m talking black masks and BMXs at night. Tactical precision strikes. You struck a nerve there. Anyways, that’s a wrap. I have to go figure out some other great ideas, one of the versions of me in the infinite universes is Rhode Scholar.”

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. The jokes is that for some reason, Sean Spicer hates Dippin Dots.

p.s.s. Apparently, and I heard this through the grape vine so it might not be real, but Trump is sending out Spicer to meet the press on these issues. I guess the President would be pretty upset at the idea of not having the biggest inauguration ever.

p.s.s.s. I think Trump is going to hate these next four years more than his detractors ever will.

 

America: Taking it in the Trumper

“It’s always good to be underestimated.”

Donald Trump

On June 15th, 2015, Donald J. Trump announced he would be throwing in his hat into the presidential race. People laughed, believing the idea to be ludicrous. Never in a million years would Donald Trump be the representative of the Republican party, people said. He’s been played off as a joke by Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brian, and a smattering of other late night talk show hosts. He was not taken seriously as a contender.

As of May 3rd, 2016, Donald J. Trump has more or less secured the Republican nomination. Talk show hosts will continue to parade him as a clown. People will continue to laugh. Pollsters are already speculating whether or not he would win in a showdown against Hillary Clinton, while she continues to face Bernie Sanders. Most are leaning towards a victory for Hillary. He’s not taken seriously as a contender.

There’s a fifty percent chance the next President of the United States will be Donald J. Trump. The joke stopped being funny months ago.

“If you get good ratings, they’ll cover you even though you have nothing to say.”

Donald Trump

He mused over the deportation of muslims. His numbers went up. He thought outloud about building a wall between the United States and Mexico, a feat that is logistically impossible. His numbers went up. He stated that women who have abortions should be punished. His numbers went up.

The media, on both the left and the right side of the spectrum, want you to believe Donald Trump is an incompetent buffoon, that he’s a spoiled rich rich who grew up with daddy’s money. What people need to understand in that Trump is incredibly smart, and terribly savvy. Few people on planet Earth are as good at selling themselves as Trump. His fortune was made in Real Estate. He wrote a book, ‘The Art of the Deal’. He’s had numerous holdings, many of which were filed for bankruptcy, yet he’d still get most of his investment back. He’s an artist when it comes to manipulating the system so he ends up on top. Every product he owns bears his name, and all of them are labeled as luxury items, for the elite like Trump.

Trump isn’t terrifying because of what he says. The comments regarding muslims, the Mexican wall, the abortion issues; he’s only saying these things to keep the camera pointed on him. It’s questionable as to whether or not he actually believes what he says. Trump is terrifying because he’s not interested in getting involved in politics. He interested on getting his name on the presidency.

“I’ve got the hottest brand in the world”

Donald Trump

As terrifying as the prospect of a president whose interest in politics is to further his product line, there’s something more insidious in the mix. Donald Trump has taken advantage of the republican base, a base that has gone further and further right in the last decade. For years, the leaders of the republican party has been cultivating a pride in ignorance, a hatred in those who are different, not part of ‘our’ group. They’ve been fed on a steady diet of Fox News, where emotions trump facts. Trump saw this wedge, and hit it with a sledgehammer. The other republican leaders have been scrambling for a year now, trying to make sense, and counter, a man who will say anything to stay in the spotlight.

The republican party has been poking at the hornets nest for a while now. Donald Trump threw a rock at it.

That box has been opened wide, and there’s going to be no way to close it now. If you think Donald Trump as president would be a disaster, you have more to fear if he doesn’t. Donald Trump says a lot of terrible things, but it’s to simply leverage his position. Make no mistake, Trump isn’t going to be the next Hitler. He’s not going to round up muslims and throw them in camps. He’s not going to outlaw abortions. He’s not going to build a wall between two countries and make the other country pay for it. His base, the one he’s been pandering too, certainly wants him to. The United States has been slowly descending into a state of authoritative control. A nation that willingly trades it’s freedoms for the illusion of safety. For the promise that a ruler will step in and protect the flock. The NSA has been given resources to spy on Americans. The police in America have become increasingly militarized. The idea of deporting a group of people based on their religion was hailed as ‘someone finally talking sense’.

The future republican candidates will be less subtle than Donald. They’ll want to round up dissenters, they’ll want corporal punishment, they’ll want to limit the choices a woman have other their own bodies. They’ll have no qualms over separating ‘us’ and ‘them’.

“My whole life is about winning. I don’t lose often. I almost never lose.”

Donald Trump

Am I scared if Donald Trump becomes president? Well, no. I’m not sure how well he understands the role of the presidency, and I have a feeling that he’ll be sorely disappointed to find out politics requires a ridiculous amount of diplomacy and compromise. There isn’t a lot winning in politics. You win once every four years, and the time spent in between is arguing over which municipalities will get road repairs. Compared to the life Donald Trump lives now, I think he’ll find it boring , frustrating and tiring.

 

“As long as you’re going to be thinking anyway, think big.”

Donald Trump

Hey, a loud mouth asshole with too much money can be right every once and a while, right?

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. I’m coming after Hillary next week. She’s no better.

p.s.s. Tomorrow I talk about Alpha Go, and I welcome our future robot overlords.