Brutal 6 Month Sentence for Stanford Rapist

In a stunning turn of events, Brock Turner, the three time All-American swimmer, has been sentenced with the harsh sentence of six months in prison and three years probation. The sentence for the affluent young white man doesn’t end there, as he will be registered as a sex offender. His Olympic dreams have been dashed, and he will be branded as a convicted felon for the rest of his life. All for a twenty minute mistake.

“It’s been really hard, you know?” in a statement issued by Brock. “You spend all this time in the pool, trying to work towards something, something bigger than yourself. You make one little mistake, like raping another human being beside a dumpster and, boom, there goes your Olympic aspirations.” Brock said, visibly shaken. “Honestly, had I known I was going to be caught, I would have never raped in the first place. Or, you know, at least finished a lot sooner. It’s a shame the combination of whiskey dick and years of stamina training dragged out the ordeal, because this whole messy situation could have been avoided had no one found me violently thrusting on top of a helpless stranger.”

His father released a statement.

“His every waking minute is consumed with worry, anxiety, dear, and depression. You can see this in his face, the way he walks, his weakened voice, his lack of appetite. Brock always enjoyed certain kinds of food and is a very good cook himself. I was always excited to buy him a big ribeye steak to grill or to get his favorite snack for him. I had to make sure to hind some of my favorite pretzels or chips because I knew they wouldn’t be around long after Brock walked in from a long swim practice. Now he barely consumes any food and eats only to exist. These verdicts have broken and shattered him and our family in so many ways. His life will never be the one he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve. That is a steep price to pay for twenty minutes of action out of his twenty plus years of life.”

Although the 6 month sentence out of the possible sentence of 14 years for a convicted rapist is deemed too harsh by supporters, defense lawyers are flocking to the statement released by his father.

“He’s absolutely right,” says Lenny Plowers, a defense attorney from Salt Lake city, Utah “Only 20 minutes of rape? If you put that against the 20 years the kid has been alive, I mean, that’s like a fraction. Not even one percent. One of my clients has been accused of stabbing someone outside of a bar over a coke deal gone bad. How long was the knife actually in the victim? Hardly seconds. I don’t believe my client should have to go to a maximum security prison for violent crimes, as my client was violent for only a small amount of time during his life. From the ages of one to four, my client was a model citizen.”

Jenny McHorlis, a defense attorney from Wichita, Kansas, agrees wholeheartedly. “My client brutally shot an entire family to death in a home invasion gone awry. When you really think about it, he was only in the house for maybe five minutes. And the actual amount of time he spent pulling the trigger? Hardly a blip compared to the rest of the time he’s spent breathing and circulating blood as a human being ought to. Can we hold a man accountable for the few moments he went on a murderous rampage? I would hope not.”

Unfortunately for both Lenny and Jenny, their clients aren’t varsity Olympic prospects that hail from a prestigious school. That’s a key factor, says Chief Justice Alan Smootes. “I mean, if you’re some regular bum from the hood or something, then yeah, you should totally have the book thrown at you. But this kid was a really good swimmer, I mean, really good. I’m not entirely sure if he’d ever be on a Wheaties box, but at the very least, he could have done Cheerios or maybe a couple of local dealership commercials.

So far, there’s been little regard for the victim. One fraternity member of Kappa Theta Gamma stated “Well, how is this girl contributing to the community? I mean, she’s not good at swimming, and even if she was, who would care? Girls sports are lame.”

Brock had this to say as a closing statement. “Don’t get caught. If I’m going to rape someone again, you can be sure the amount of action I’m going to get will a lot less than twenty minutes.” Brave words.


The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. Most of this is satire, obviously, but the statement from the father is word for word what he wrote.

p.s.s. The victim’s statement is here.

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