The big news this week in America was the Republican National Convention. If there’s one boon to the economy in Cleveland, strippers are raking it in, as Republicans are known to drop cash like crazy at strip clubs during the convention. So Trumps plan to stimulate the economy is already taking effect. Except for this poor girl.

I’d love to talk about what went down during the convention, as the hottest topic was the fact that Melania Trump’s speech was plagiarized. We’re not entirely sure who she plagiarized her speech from, as the debate rages whether it was first Lady Michelle Obama or My Little Pony’s Twilight Sparkle. I couldn’t actually make that up if I tried.

Twilight Sparkle speaks out against plagiarism.

We’ve finally gotten a look at the Republican platform, and it’s pretty vague and under whelming. Their website is still hosting the platform from 2012. Right now, the platform indicates stimulating the economy, tightening security, international trade, building a wall to deal with immigration from Mexico, and a return to the good ol’ fashioned values of the 1950’s nuclear family by having the most anti-LGBTQ platform to come from Republicans. We’ll go in order.

The republican economic platform has one of the usual tropes; lower taxes. Even of this has never worked to stimulate any economy, it’s still paraded out as the base of every conservative platform. No surprises here. Except Trump has flip flopped on this issue. At first he was going to cut taxes for everyone. Then he was going to raise taxes on the rich. He was musing to raise the minimum wage to $15 dollars across the nation. Then he’s going to let the states decide. The Republican platform doesn’t have a firm footing when it comes to wages and taxes.

What is something worth mentioning is the way the wave of self employed ‘gig workers’, like Uber drivers. While Hillary has mentioned that she’s completely against these so called entrepreneurs, the Republican platform has absolutely embraced them. Even though many civil servants have, from policy makers to mayors, have derided companies like Uber for being unsafe, unlicensed, and illegal, it’s really no surprise the republicans have embraced this unregulated new industry. The jury’s still our whether or not these new companies are actually good for the economy.

Now we get into one of the major points of the republican platform; security and safety. Even though violent crime has been falling for decades, the republican party still wants you to understand that you are not safe. Ever. Conservatives will decry crime is rampant in on streets, children are at risk, and that Satan himself is risen and is selling Meth for blowjobs. Even if this is statistically untrue. It’s always been one of my major concerns with most conservative platforms, the selling of fear in exchange for votes.

International Trade.

China.

Trump has made a point of wanting increased protectionism. He’s not a big fan of NAFTA or the TPP, and purportedly wants to create new trade deals. He’s been incredibly vocal about China, mentioning rampant piracy and intellectual property theft. His proposals so far are making a lot of nations nervous, as the world economy is already weak and the last thing it needs is Trump swaggering through and making an already poor situation worse.

Next up is the famous Trump wall. If you’re a contractor or civil engineer down south,  you’re probably salivating over the prospects of a massive wall that borders Mexico. The cost of this wall would be so absolutely staggering it could very well bankrupt the nation, especially one determined to lower taxes and take in less revenue. Even if Trump’s supporters are under the impression it might be an allegory for stricter border, the Donald is adamant it’s going to be a an actual, physical wall. If Trump is going to be elected, I’m suggesting that everyone buy shares in concrete and mortar suppliers, as that industry will explode.

Regarding the LGBTQ community, the Republicans have pretty much solidified their platform with these words; Fuck gay people. That pretty much sums up how they’re going about it.

Here’s the crazy thing. Trump doesn’t really need a platform to contend in this race The latest polls show he’s right behind Hillary after the convention. His supporters don’t care. The problem with that is if you implemented even half of what Trump is proposing, then you’d have an economic catastrophe.

Trump isn’t a politician or a leader. He’s a weasel in a suit. He wants to make America great again, but unless the Republicans shore up some better ideas, then the only thing that’s going to be great is the next depression.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. This is going to be a crazy election year.