Dear Mom,

Note: Never once have I called my mom anything other than mom. Not mother, not mum (which sounds utterly preposterous in my head, as well as out loud), not mumsy, nothing weird. I’ve referred to her in the third person to other people, but always in the vein of “Oh, you know my mom, (insert full name here)”. I feel that, for this Mother’s day, I should point out the particular language I use when referring to my mom.

by now you should have received a package that I sent to you for Mother’s day. And, being the astute person that you are, you may have noticed that it is no longer Mother’s Day. In fact, this posting comes exactly twelve days after the day in question.

First and foremost, let it be known that I did not forget Mother’s day. Even though I was unsuccessful in calling you that day (I made the attempt at 10:34 pm Mountain Time), I still made the attempt. We did have a conversation the following day, in which I congratulated you for being a mother. To me. Which is important, seeing as how if this were not the case, you would not have received a package and you would not be reading these words here.

I should also state that this package is not late. Well, I mean it is late, it’s no longer Mother’s day after all. I should clarify and mention that this package isn’t late in the sense that I didn’t send it before Mother’s day. Although a cowardly man would allow the post office to take the blame for the delay, you certainly raised no coward. The delay was the fault of my own, and seeing as how you raised a man with integrity, I have no choice but to accept my own shortcomings. Truth be told, I could have sent the package priority and it would have arrived sooner, but that was like another $4, and it still would have been late anyways. So, seeing as how you also raised your boy to be fiscally prudent as well, I feel that I’ve made a choice that you would approve of.

Now, part of the reason I have written this letter is to clarify the nature of the gifts that you have been provided. By me, your eldest, courageous, and fiscally prudent son. Now, you will remark that there is some coffee, some tea, and some chocolates included in the parcel. The tea and coffee are both from Murchies, which is located in downtown Victoria. The chocolates are from Rogers Chocolates, which is also located in downtown Victoria. In fact, they are on the same street, and are roughly a block away from each other. You may have made the assumption that I went to Murchies, and then went straight to Rogers immediately afterwards. I assure you, this is not the case! It needs to be stated that I took two trips to downtown Victoria in order to procure your gifts. A thoughtless man would have snagged all three presents in a single trip, and you did not raise a thoughtless man.

Which leaves us to another reason I have written this letter. The matter of the chocolates. Rogers only crafts the finest chocolates, and the tin they were packaged in was exquisite, so I purchased it before a shift at work. This was a smart move, as I was able to acquire the chocolates and walk to work at the same time. Which only goes to show you that you raised a son with excellent time management skills. Once I arrived at work, I stored them in my locker and got on with my day. What I didn’t realize was the temperature of the locker storage room would well exceed the climate required to properly store chocolate. I’m quite afraid that the tin of chocolates may no longer be an assortment of pralines, creams, caramels, and truffles, but rather large brick of chocolate that tastes of pralines, creams, caramels, and truffles, depending on which part of the brick you bite into. This fault is mine and mine alone.

Anyways mom, I hope you had a wonderful Mother’s day, and I hope you enjoy your coffee, tea, and chocolate brick. I love you, and I’m looking forward to spending some time with you in the summer when I return out to more easternly pastures.

Sincerely,

your son,

The Illsutrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. I absolutely swear I took two trips. But to be fair, had I known there was a chocolate place so close to Murchies, I probably would have made one trip. Again, you raised a son with excellent time management skills.