No. 45 – Lunch

“I’ve got everything here”.

The Veteran had to double check. If anything was missing, well, he wouldn’t yell at you, he’d just think you were incapable. Unreliable. A dumbass, in his own words. So the Veteran opened the insulated bag and had a look. A big Mac from McDonald’s. Two cheese and beef melts from Arby’s. A bucket of KFC – Extra Crispy. A small loaded pizza from Papa Johns. Two bottles of coke.

“Seems like everything’s in order. Go on in, he’ll be waiting for you” the Veteran told the Rookie intern. The Rookie looked up at him. The Veteran finished his thought for him before he opened his mouth. “Yes, all of that is for him. Steve might grab a slice of pizza, but… besides that, yeah, it’s all his. No, he’s not going to eat it all in one go. He sets it up like a little buffet and picks at it throughout the afternoon. Go on, he’s expecting you. He might seem scary, but he’s an alright guy.”

The Rookie nodded and trotted off. The Veteran ducked off to the washroom to tweet this. They were cracking down on leaks. But this was too damn good of an opportunity to pass up.

***

The Rookie opened the door to the Oval Office. There was the President of the United States, yelling at the television.”Those fucking liars! Those fucking sons-a-bitches! I didn’t tell the Aussie Prime Minister to go fuck himself.”

The Vice-President was pacing behind him. “No sir, you didn’t say that. But you were rather curt.”

The President of the United States spun around. “Yeah, and I hung up on the clown. Over a thousand refugee he says he’s sending over. Said he made a deal with the last guy. What a lousy deal. You know what we get? Nothing. We get a bunch of broken sand hicks and their shitty offspring.”

Steve was sitting in the chair behind the desk, twirling a pen. “It was good of you to show your strong hand there, Mr. President. We can’t be letting just anyone into the country. The last guy was soft. You need to be strong.”

The President walked over to the desk, put his hands on it and leaned right over to look at Steve. “I am strong. I’m the strongest. There’s nobody out there who’s stronger than me.” Steve looked right at the President and didn’t break eye contact. There was a pause. “Good. That’s exactly what this country needs. Mr. President”. Steve flashed a grin and soon the President of the United States was beaming. “You’re my guy Steve, this is why you’re my guy.” The Vice-President shook his head in the corner.

“Lunch! I can smell it. New guy. Thank you so much for running out and grabbing this for me. You’re a rockstar, you know that? Just put it on the desk”. The Rookie intern walked over to the desk and placed to order down. The Vice-President finally spoke again. “Look, with all due respect Mr. President, at your age you shouldn’t be eating this kind of…” The President of the United States waved his hand at the Vice-Pres. “Now, now, we’ve talked about this, okay? I’m healthy. I’ve got a body like, like, hey, who’s that superhero that can rejuvenate himself? Played by that hairy guy.”

The Rookie’s eyes brightened. “You mean Wolverine?”

The President clapped his hands and pointed at the Rookie. “This kid. This kid right here. RockStar. You’re going places kid, I can see it. What’s your name?”

The Rookie thrust out his hand. “The name’s Matt, sir. Matt Goading.” The President shook his hand. “Whoa there, Matt, strong grip you’ve got. I like that in a man. Good business skill”.

Suddenly there was a buzz from the President’s pocket. He pulled out his cell phone. He looked at it, and then his face curdled. His jovial, round features became hard lines, and he started turning red as the blood rushed to his face.

“Fuck!” he screamed. It was clear now that, even though he might have been disappointed with the television earlier, he didn’t lose his cool. Now, the calm seas in the oval office became a torrential storm of scorching emotions.

“How the fuck did they know? This @RoguePOTUSStaff on Twitter. How the fuck did this shit for brains asshole knew what I was eating? He’s got the whole list right here.”

Steve looked at the Rookie, his dropping eyes piercing right through him to the back of his skull. “Mr. President, we might have a traitor in our midst right here.”

The President looked at Steve, then over at the Rookie. He started pointing his finger right in the Rookie’s face. “Do you know who the fuck I am? I will wipe the fucking floor with you. I will ram so many lawsuits down your goddamn throat you’ll be begging me to stop. You-will-be-begging-me. I will go to fucking war over this. Who the fuck are you?” The Rookie tried to say something but was shot down immediately. “I do not give a shit who the fuck Matt Goading is. I will bury you, your family and your goddamn children.”

The President straighten his tie, threw a hand through his hair. The red drained from his face. He held out his phone. “Your phone. Lemme see it.” The Rookie was pale, shaking nervously as beads of sweat started running down his face. “C’mon, don’t make this harder on yourself kid. Gimme your phone.” The Rookie pulled out his cell phone and handed it over. The President swiped at it. “What’s your password?” The Rookie stuttered slightly “It… It’s 5468…” The President tapped the phone a couple times, then started swiping again. After a while, he cocked an eyebrow and looked up at the Rookie. “Where’s your Twitter app? I can’t find it.” The Rookie gulped nervously. “C’mon kid, I don’t have all day. Where’s the app?” The Rookie was looking down at his feet. “I… ummm. I…” The President poked him with the phone. “C’mon, big man, where’s Twitter? You’re saying something. Say it.” The Rookie shuffled in place. “I don’t…. I don’t have Twitter. I don’t even have a Twitter account.”

The President’s eyes bulged, then rolled back. “Jesus Christ, I thought we were only hiring kids who understood cyber.” He shook his head and handed the phone back. His face went scarlet and he kicked at a chair. “Goddamnit!” The entire time, Steve hadn’t taken his eyes off the Rookie. “Mr. President, we don’t have a traitor here. But we might have a tool. A Trojan Horse.”

The President was still red in the face and walked towards the desk. “Not in the mood for riddles about horses, Steve. You have an idea, spit it out.”

Steve broke his gaze with the Rookie and looked over at the President. “The person in charge of this account, it’s obviously a brat. What we need is someone to find out this brat, sniff ’em out. We need a younger person, someone fresh.” he continued twirling the pen.

The President threw up his hands. “Stop with the games Steve, who are you talking about?”

Steve sighed. “The RockStar here. He goes out, makes himself chummy with all the other staff members, finds out who’s in charge of the handle @RoguePOTUSStaff. Our solution is right here in the room.”

The President looked over at the Rookie, back to Steve, then back to the Rookie. His eyes lit up when the pieces came together. “Good idea. I like that idea. I like that idea a lot.” He walked back to the Rookie and put his hands on his shoulders. “Listen, Matt, sorry about earlier. But I’m surrounded, surrounded by losers who want to bring me down. I need loyal people. If you’re loyal to me, I’ll be loyal to you. You get whatever you want. You want a new car? I’ll get you a new car. You want to fuck a bus full of models? I will personally hand pick the models myself. I’m offering you the key to a new life, a life of success, a key that will open every door for you. All you need to do is be loyal to me. Can you do that, Matt?”

The Rookie, still pale as a ghost and sweating profusely, nodded in agreement.

“Not good enough Matt. How do businessmen do business?” The President put out his hand. The Rookie extended his own and shook his. “Beautiful. What a handshake. You’re going to go far, Matt. You help us find this leak, and we’ll plug it up.” The President reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He opened it and produced a stack of hundred dollar bills. “Here’s some money. You make friends out there. Take them out for drinks, take them to dinner, buy them whatever they want. Grease ’em up and make ’em talk.” the President said as he handed the stack of hundreds to the Rookie. “I’m counting on you. Now get at it, tiger.” The President smiled and winked.

The Rookie gave a grin, just about tripped over his feet as he turned and walked out of the room. Just before he was out the door, the President spoke.

“One last thing, kid. Get a Twitter app. It’ll help you find this loser.” The Rookie nodded once and pushed the door open.

On the other side of the door, the White House was bustling as usual, but the air was less heavy. The door latch clicked. The Rookie closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It was only his first day, and already he making waves. He opened his eyes and he saw the Veteran, the guy who double checked his order, on the other side of the hall. The Veteran grinned and gave the Rookie a thumbs up. The Rookie returned the thumbs up, even though his hand was trembling. It was going to be a long four years.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. I’m not even sure this even counts as satire anymore.

 

 

Inauguration Day

Melania Trump sat outside the bathroom.  Her back against the door, she glossed over the luggage packed for her trip back to Manhattan. Her flight was going to have to be delayed unless she could wrap this up quickly. She tapped the door with her hands. “Honey, I’m going to have to leave soon. I just want you to know your inauguration went very well today and I’m incredibly proud of you.”

She could hear rustling on the other side of the bathroom door. “His numbers were better” she heard him mumble.

Melania sighed. Her Donnie wasn’t normally like this, but the few times he faced defeat, or seemingly faced defeat, Donald would lock himself in the washroom and would stay there for a number of hours. Normally, Melania would just let him sit in there for a while, let him be upset for a little bit. His enormous ego would soon repair itself, and he would emerge triumphantly from the washroom, having spun his defeat into a victory. But he was now the President of the United States, and he had to get back to work.

“We don’t know that there were more people at his inauguration than yours” she said through the door. There was another mumble, she could barely hear it. “What was that honey?” she asked. “I said, I saw pictures! They were on Twitter. He had twice as many people there in 2009. And in 2013, he still had more people.” There was silence for a moment. Melania spoke again. “Well, maybe a lot of people were inside at the time the picture was taken. They might be trying to make you look like a fool.”

She heard the soap dispenser get thrown into the tub where it made an audible thud. “They’re ALWAYS trying to make me look like a fool. They had an anti-me protest in New York, right outside our home. You know who was there? Robert DeNiro. I always thought he was cool, but NOW he’s hanging out with  Micheal Moore and that asshole Alec Baldwin. You know what? I’m going after him. I’m going after that prick Alec, and I’m gonna piss all over his things. I’m going to stand right over his face and piss in his mouth when he’s sleeping. He’s got a little dog, right? I’m going to piss all over that dog, and then I’m going to take it. That dog will love me more than it ever loved Alec. I’m going to hop in Air Force One and do that right now.” She could hear tiny hands wringing menacingly.

“Ok, but you might have to check with your new friend Pence first.” It sounded like some bars of soap were being tossed against the wall in protest. “I have to check with EVERYONE before I do something fun. It’s SO unfair! They said no tanks or missiles at the inauguration, saying it would wreck the roads. So what? We’ll build new roads, give something people to do. I’d be creating jobs. Putin gets to have tanks and missiles at his parties, it’s these losers over here who won’t let me. I don’t care what Pence says.”

“I know this has been tough on you, honey, but you knew there would be some changes. Anyways, I hear the doorbell, I think Pence is here now.”

“Fine, Go, Whatever, I don’t care. Tell him to go away.”

Melania ignored the statement and made her way through the Penthouse of the Trump International Hotel in Washington DC. At the door was Pence. As she opened the door, he let himself in. “Sorry I’m late, Mrs. Trump. I had the LGBTQ page on the government website taken down, and that took a little longer than expected. I think I know the man well enough now that I can handle this problem.” Melania shook her head. “I’ve been married to him for years, and he still doesn’t always make sense to me.”

Pence strode up to the bathroom door and gave it a commanding knock. “Mr. President, it’s Mr. Vice-President. Can we speak for a moment?”

“Go away, Pence! You’re not cool.” The voice started loud and trailed off. Pence straightened his tie. “Of course I’m not cool, Mr. President. My job is to make you look cool. I know you’re upset about the numbers. But there’s a reason Obama has higher numbers.”

Trump blew his nose. “Yeah, and why’s that?”

“Affirmative action, sir.” said Pence.

There was a pause. “Really?”

“Of course. He was the first black president. The liberals of this nation propped him up to make him look better. How else could you explain Obama having better numbers? You remember your numbers from the first season of Celebrity Apprentice? To use your own words sir, they were terrific.”

The was another pause, then the flow of water. Trump threw open the door and marched out. “You know what Pence? You are so right. You are so right to bring this to my attention. Of course it’s the blacks, propping up their own guy with affirmative action. And this affirmative action? It doesn’t help the blacks, it just makes it harder for everyone else. And that’s not fair.”

He went to a mirror and ran a comb through his hair. He then walked to Melania and grabbed her firmly by the ass. “Babe, thanks so much for staying with me. When you get home, they’ll be the biggest diamond waiting for you in our room. I’m seeing to that right now.” He gave her a pat on the bum and focused his attention to Pence. “In the meantime, we need to get my numbers up. I need to have my face on every corner of every street. Could we get some screens with loud speakers everywhere? Letting the audience know I’m always there? Make that happen.”

Pence smiled. “Of course Mr. President. I’ll look into that immediately. I need you to sign some papers, though. I read them so you don’t have to. They’re not deals, just boring law stuff.”

Trump whipped out a pen. “Smart move, leaving the deals to me. I’m a deal-making machine” he said as he signed the papers. “I can’t wait for this screen thing, it’s going to be huge. Can you imagine? My face, on every corner. It’ll let my enemies know I’m always there.”

He tucked his pen back into his breast pocket. “You know what, I think this’ll work out. You deal with the boring stuff, and I’ll take care of the deals and the audience.”

Pence flashed a smile that would make sharks nervous. “Absolutely, Mr. President. I will always have your best interests in mind.”

Trump smiled. “Good. Now, let’s get a few cocktails into me. I’m going to need a bunch if I’m going to piss all over Alec Baldwin.”

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. It is going to be an interesting four years. That’s putting it nicely.

No Party for Trump

You know, I really want to talk about the whole Justin Trudeau thing. I’d love to pick apart some of the lousy choices he’s made in the last few weeks. I’d relish the talk discussing the whole debacle with the crying lady, Kathy Katula, and how the Ontario government is poorly managing the juice flowing through the power lines. Now Justin has got himself a set of wheels and his taking his show across the nation. There’re some interesting things happening here in Canada. But have you seen what’s happening down south?

Trump’s inauguration is officially a week away, and he’s had more scandals in the last two months than President Obama had in the last two terms. Seriously. You want to know how bad it is? The Presidential inauguration is usually a star-studded event. Trump’s team is struggling to get anyone to show up. Trump’s been tweeting that he wants the PEOPLE there, not the celebrities he’s been hobnobbing with for the last decade. It’s weird to see a guy who spent years hosting celebrities on his game show not have any celebrities show up. Sad!

It’s not just celebrities boycotting the event. There are a couple of politicians who will be spending the day at home instead of at the White House, and I have a feeling that number is going to grow in the next few days. First, Rep. John Lewis, a congressman and civil rights leader, stated he wouldn’t be attending the inauguration, saying Trump wasn’t a legitimate president. Trump can’t resist low hanging fruit, and pounced on the opportunity to attack Lewis, stating his district is “in horrible shape” and that Lewis is all “talk, talk, talk”. This wasn’t exactly a smart move on Trump’s part, because John Lewis’ district is actually in good condition, and he’s a pretty stand-up guy. This led to a huge volume of people calling Trump out on his statement, Democrats and Republicans alike.  Now Rep. Mark Takano is skipping the event as well. I thin Mark and John will be getting beers that evening and repeating the same phrase throughout the night. “Isn’t having Trump as president insane?” They’ll look at each other, laugh a little, then get quiet for bit before talking about whatever congressmen talk about. Breakfast cereal, I would imagine.

But this isn’t really news. You want to know what’s news? The fact that the incoming president might actually have compromising ties to Russia. You that post I wrote a couple days ago, saying there are rumors that the Krelim has been working closely with Trump’s team? It’s turning out that those allegations might have some weight to them. Spy agencies all over the world are freaking out right now. Israel, one of the United States closest allies is terrified the new president might hand over compromising information to Russia, who is strongly allied with Iran.

You might be wondering why I, a modest Canadian, living a modest Canadian lifestyle, is so wrapped up in what’s going on across the border. I happen to live in Southern Alberta, which is probably the furthest politically right area in Canada. It’s the bible belt part of Canukistan. That being said, I know a number of people who think that having Trump as president is a good idea. Not only that Trump is STILL a good idea, but rather the idea that Trump would be a better statesperson than the current Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau.

Now, you might not like Justin Trudeau spending habits. I can understand that. You might despise the fact that he broke the law when he accepted a ride in a helicopter while on vacation, and that he had a lobbyist buddy along with him for the ride. I’m there with you in thinking that was a bone head move. If you’re fuming because he wants to phase out the oil sands, I can sympathize.

But, if for one second, you think that a pretentious legacy politician from out East is less qualified than a pretentious, legacy, petty, narcissistic, pussy-grabbing, conman who’s only goal as head of state is to empty its coffers into his pockets, well, you’re wrong. If you think that a sneering elite is better than a boorish elite who’s colluding with a hostile foreign nation that squashes free speech with imprisonment and death, well, that would make you a traitor to freedom. If you think that Trump would be better than Trudeau, then there’s only one thing I can say to you. And that’s…

 

Hail Comrade Trump.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. If you like Trump because he’s saying what you’re thinking, then you’re not thinking hard enough.

 

 

Comrade Trump

Trump is struggling with his new-found position as President-elect, which frankly is a cakewalk to the actual duties of the presidency. Between the evidence Russia tried to help Trump get elected (yes, there is evidence to support this claim), to the breaking accusations that Russia has dirt on Trump and has been grooming him for years (no evidence, but it has the internet in a tizzy), to the fact that Trump refuses to sell his assets, not to mention he hasn’t released his taxes to the public, well, things just keep getting more and more complicated. There has never been this much turbulence leading up to an inauguration, ever. With this circus going on now, it would not shock me if the day Trump is sworn in devolves into a fist fight between one of his sons and a journalist.

It’s just so utterly bizarre to see the future President of the United States, the highest title in the most powerful nation in the world, to act so completely unpresidential. Once he was elected it seemed, for a very short amount of time, that Trump started acting like a president. That dissolved almost immediately when he got his twitter privileges back. His internet meltdown after Meryl Streep’s speech was petty. He is still bringing up his victory over Hillary, as well as some of the other republican nominees, and it makes him seem small. Watching Trump is like watching someone drown while at the same time refusing a lifejacket.

We know that Russia interfered with the United Stated elections. We know that, at least recently, they were steering the election in Trump’s favor. We know Trump visited Russia back in 2013, to check out the Miss Universe pageant taking place in Moscow. And even though the Kremlin is denying it, you can be damn sure they gather dirt on anyone important entering the country.

So here’s my hypothesis. You came here to get a glimpse into what Mr. Charlton is thinking, and I’m going to deliver.

  1. Trump has been wanting the title of President of the United Stated for a long time. At least since the late eighties. He’s 70 now, so he’s been thinking about it since he was in his early 40’s.
  2. Trump wants the TITLE of POTUS, not the actual position. Trump currently leads a life of leisure and play. Being the POTUS is a lot of work.
  3. Trump hates looking weak, wrong, or vulnerable. He hates being ridiculed or mocked. He has no qualms about libel lawsuits and threatening anyone who makes him look foolish.
  4. He’s not a sociopath. He’s a boorish pig, narcissistic, and incredibly selfish, but he’s not cold. Not like his Russian counterpart, Putin.
  5. Going back to the boorish pig part; He’s an incredibly wealthy man with a perchance for young girls. I can almost guarantee Trump has purchased a lot of prostitutes over the course of his life.
  6. I can guarantee you people have dirt on him. I can also guarantee that it has to do with sex.
  7. The dirt on Trump isn’t going to be about him in a position of power, but rather a position of vulnerability. Right now, the rumor is stating a golden shower show (don’t serach that phrase). My guess, if the Kremlin does have dirt on Trump, is it’s something where Trump is being dominated. Trump getting pegged, or getting peed on, that sort of thing.
  8. Trump doesn’t actually want to be President. He doesn’t want to sell his assets, he doesn’t want to be in Washington. He’d much rather be on the golf course or hanging out at Trump tower.
  9. The Kremlin would very much like Trump to be the President. His erratic behavior weakens the United States on a world stage. If Trump were to back out at any point in the election or presidency, they’d have no problem releasing this hypothetical dirt.
  10. The GOP doens’t want Trump in there either. They’d much rather have Pence in charge, because he would toe the party line.
  11. Both Trump and the GOP don’t want him as POTUS, but Trump doesn’t want to look weak or ridiculous. Backing down would look weak, and if this hypothetical dirt exists, it could also ridicule him.
  12. Trump’s goal is to get impeached. That way, he can say he was President, blame the failure on others, and then get back to reality television. The Krelim won’t have any reason to spill the dirt, the GOP will have Pence running the nation, and the only losers are the American public who have to spend an absurd amount of tax money to watch this insane carnival.

That’s my hypothesis, anyways. I certainly don’t have enough evidence to call it a theory, but when I see and hear Trump, I can’t help but think of someone who trying desperately trying to claw their way out of a corner. This presidency is gonig to be a clusterfuck from start to finish. One thing is for certain; in all the years I’ve been alive, I’ve never seen anything like this.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. It’s nine days until the inauguration. Watch this get weirder.