Presidential

No. 45 – Presidential Line

/ sandycharlton / Leave a comment

“What do you mean, illegal?”

The President leaned up against the desk. The Rookie never saw him sit down at the desk. Occasionally Steve would sit behind the smooth oak, twirling his pen, but Steve had been absent from the Oval Office as of late. It was probably because the media was reporting Steve was running the show, not the President. If there was one thing the Rookie had learned in the last few weeks, it was to never upstage the President. There’s only one spotlight, and the President needs all the light he could get.

Spicer stood in front of the President, trembling slightly. He was stumbling through his words and was looking forward past the desk, into the drapes that had recently been purchased for the Oval Office. They were gold, the President’s favorite color.

The President’s face was perfectly still as he asked Spicer the question. His eyebrows were raised, waiting for an explanation. The Rookie looked down at the coffee cups he was carrying from Starbucks. The President’s cinnamon caramel macchiato was getting cold, and if Spicer didn’t hurry up and tell the President what he wanted to hear, then he’d be handing the President a cold coffee. The Rookie wasn’t about to let this sissy make him look bad.

“Well, sir, it’s illegal. That’s what I mean.” The Rookie cursed silently under his breath. The sissy decided to play the wrong hand and tell the President the truth.

The President grabbed the bridge of his nose and shook his head. “C’mon Sean, you aren’t answering my question here. I get that you’re telling me it’s illegal. My question is, why is it illegal? That’s what I want to know. Why can’t KellyAnne tell people to buy my daughter’s brand? I don’t understand.” The President looked up at Sean. “I’m not sure what’s illegal about telling people your opinion on television. KA said she happened to like a brand, and it just so happened that the brand is my daughter’s. Would KellyAnne be breaking the law if she said how much she liked Louis Vitton? Or Gucci? Never mind that my daughter’s brand is better than those two, I mean they’re good brands, just not of the same caliber as my daughter’s. That’s what I’m trying to figure out here. Because as far as I’m concerned, KA did a great job.” He made his signature ‘A-OK’ sign with his hand. “A terrific job. You telling the press that she’s been punished is a bonehead move.”

Spice stammered and rolled his eyes. The President pursed his lips. “Something wrong, there Sean? You didn’t seem to like what I just said.”

The Rookie felt the coffee. It was still warm, but barely. The sissy was taking up too much time answering a simple question.

“Sir, with all due respect, I didn’t say she was punished, I said she was consoled.”

The President didn’t budge. “You made it sound like she did something wrong.”

Spice’s face went flush. He was losing his cool. “She broke the law!”

The President shrugged. “Maybe. But she did so in defending my daughter.” The President looked away. “Get out of here. Maybe I’ll take you seriously when you’re no longer played by a girl on television.”

Spice didn’t say a word as he spun and stormed out of the room. The moment the door latched the Rookie sped over to the President. “Your coffee, Mr. President,” he said as he handed over the cinnamon caramel macchiato.

The President took a sip from the coffee and looked at the Rookie, nodding in approval. “You got them to add extra syrup, just like I asked. Good job, Matt. I like people who can follow orders,” he said, then sweeping his arm out for dramatic effect. “Not like these god damn judges. Christ. I can’t believe how this place is run. Disgraceful.”

The Rookie nodded. He saw an opening. “I agree one hundred percent, Mr. President.”

The President took another sip from his coffee. “What would you do?”

“Excuse me?”

The President put the coffee down on the desk. “Let’s say you were the Press Secretary. What would you have done differently?”

The Rookie smiled. “You mean if I were in the sissy’s shoes?”

The President’s face lit up. “Hoy-yo! That’s pretty funny. I like it. I’m going to use it. Sissy boy Sean.”

The Rookie thought about it for a moment. “You know what I’d do? I’d filibuster ’em.”

The President pressed. “Filibuster?”

The Rookie backed up, letting his arms swing a bit, bringing them both in front of him. He started failing them about while he spoke. “Yeah, yeah. Filibustering. You ever see one of these senators or congresspeople or whoever do this? If they really, really don’t want something brought up, they do a filibuster. They basically go up and talk for, like, hours. About whatever. You could go up and read a book for twelve hours. And the other people, they get so sick of it, they drop whatever they were trying to pass in the first place. I’d do that. The press asks me a question, I’d be like ‘Hey, my cat did this cute thing yesterday. Let me tell you about it.’ or ‘You know what’s American? Beef Jerky.’

The President chuckled. “I like that idea, Matt. Keep coming to me with great ideas like that, and maybe you’ll find yourself working directly for me.” He gave the Rookie a wink. “Still, though. These founding fathers of ours, of this great nation. They were entrepreneurs, businessmen, go-getters like you and me. Why would these go-getters make it illegal to keep a business when running the country? My wife, beautiful woman, wants to start a new line of clothing. A presidential line. She can’t though. Her dreams, all of a sudden… Poof. Gone. Seems a little strange to me. Seems weird the founding fathers, great men these founding fathers, would hamper any kind of business.”

The Rookie nodded in agreement. “Seems unAmerican is what it seems like, Mr. President.”

The President gave him a finger gun. “Pow. Bingo Matt. I’m going to let you know one thing right now. The wall? Not a huge deal. The Muzzie ban? I can take it or leave it. What will truly make America great again is business, and I’ll be damned if I can’t help the people by making them my employees.”

A smile broke out over the Rookies face. “If… if you could hire everyone to work for you, well, that would solve all the problems.”

The President smiled back. “It would. I know it would. I’m going to make this country great again. Soon, everyone will be cheering my name. Soon, everyone will be working for me.” He grabbed the coffee next to him and took another sip. He frowned. “Hmm. Coffee’s cold. Do me a favour, kid, and grab me another one. Extra syrup.”

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton.

p.s. What will happen next? Will Spicer go crazy? Will KellyAnne start selling Trump merchandise outside the trunk of her car? Does the Rookie have no shame? Find out next week!

 

Comrade Trump

/ sandycharlton / 2 Comments

Trump is struggling with his new-found position as President-elect, which frankly is a cakewalk to the actual duties of the presidency. Between the evidence Russia tried to help Trump get elected (yes, there is evidence to support this claim), to the breaking accusations that Russia has dirt on Trump and has been grooming him for years (no evidence, but it has the internet in a tizzy), to the fact that Trump refuses to sell his assets, not to mention he hasn’t released his taxes to the public, well, things just keep getting more and more complicated. There has never been this much turbulence leading up to an inauguration, ever. With this circus going on now, it would not shock me if the day Trump is sworn in devolves into a fist fight between one of his sons and a journalist.

It’s just so utterly bizarre to see the future President of the United States, the highest title in the most powerful nation in the world, to act so completely unpresidential. Once he was elected it seemed, for a very short amount of time, that Trump started acting like a president. That dissolved almost immediately when he got his twitter privileges back. His internet meltdown after Meryl Streep’s speech was petty. He is still bringing up his victory over Hillary, as well as some of the other republican nominees, and it makes him seem small. Watching Trump is like watching someone drown while at the same time refusing a lifejacket.

We know that Russia interfered with the United Stated elections. We know that, at least recently, they were steering the election in Trump’s favor. We know Trump visited Russia back in 2013, to check out the Miss Universe pageant taking place in Moscow. And even though the Kremlin is denying it, you can be damn sure they gather dirt on anyone important entering the country.

So here’s my hypothesis. You came here to get a glimpse into what Mr. Charlton is thinking, and I’m going to deliver.

  1. Trump has been wanting the title of President of the United Stated for a long time. At least since the late eighties. He’s 70 now, so he’s been thinking about it since he was in his early 40’s.
  2. Trump wants the TITLE of POTUS, not the actual position. Trump currently leads a life of leisure and play. Being the POTUS is a lot of work.
  3. Trump hates looking weak, wrong, or vulnerable. He hates being ridiculed or mocked. He has no qualms about libel lawsuits and threatening anyone who makes him look foolish.
  4. He’s not a sociopath. He’s a boorish pig, narcissistic, and incredibly selfish, but he’s not cold. Not like his Russian counterpart, Putin.
  5. Going back to the boorish pig part; He’s an incredibly wealthy man with a perchance for young girls. I can almost guarantee Trump has purchased a lot of prostitutes over the course of his life.
  6. I can guarantee you people have dirt on him. I can also guarantee that it has to do with sex.
  7. The dirt on Trump isn’t going to be about him in a position of power, but rather a position of vulnerability. Right now, the rumor is stating a golden shower show (don’t serach that phrase). My guess, if the Kremlin does have dirt on Trump, is it’s something where Trump is being dominated. Trump getting pegged, or getting peed on, that sort of thing.
  8. Trump doesn’t actually want to be President. He doesn’t want to sell his assets, he doesn’t want to be in Washington. He’d much rather be on the golf course or hanging out at Trump tower.
  9. The Kremlin would very much like Trump to be the President. His erratic behavior weakens the United States on a world stage. If Trump were to back out at any point in the election or presidency, they’d have no problem releasing this hypothetical dirt.
  10. The GOP doens’t want Trump in there either. They’d much rather have Pence in charge, because he would toe the party line.
  11. Both Trump and the GOP don’t want him as POTUS, but Trump doesn’t want to look weak or ridiculous. Backing down would look weak, and if this hypothetical dirt exists, it could also ridicule him.
  12. Trump’s goal is to get impeached. That way, he can say he was President, blame the failure on others, and then get back to reality television. The Krelim won’t have any reason to spill the dirt, the GOP will have Pence running the nation, and the only losers are the American public who have to spend an absurd amount of tax money to watch this insane carnival.

That’s my hypothesis, anyways. I certainly don’t have enough evidence to call it a theory, but when I see and hear Trump, I can’t help but think of someone who trying desperately trying to claw their way out of a corner. This presidency is gonig to be a clusterfuck from start to finish. One thing is for certain; in all the years I’ve been alive, I’ve never seen anything like this.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. It’s nine days until the inauguration. Watch this get weirder.

America: Taking it in the Trumper

/ sandycharlton / Leave a comment

“It’s always good to be underestimated.”

Donald Trump

On June 15th, 2015, Donald J. Trump announced he would be throwing in his hat into the presidential race. People laughed, believing the idea to be ludicrous. Never in a million years would Donald Trump be the representative of the Republican party, people said. He’s been played off as a joke by Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brian, and a smattering of other late night talk show hosts. He was not taken seriously as a contender.

As of May 3rd, 2016, Donald J. Trump has more or less secured the Republican nomination. Talk show hosts will continue to parade him as a clown. People will continue to laugh. Pollsters are already speculating whether or not he would win in a showdown against Hillary Clinton, while she continues to face Bernie Sanders. Most are leaning towards a victory for Hillary. He’s not taken seriously as a contender.

There’s a fifty percent chance the next President of the United States will be Donald J. Trump. The joke stopped being funny months ago.

“If you get good ratings, they’ll cover you even though you have nothing to say.”

Donald Trump

He mused over the deportation of muslims. His numbers went up. He thought outloud about building a wall between the United States and Mexico, a feat that is logistically impossible. His numbers went up. He stated that women who have abortions should be punished. His numbers went up.

The media, on both the left and the right side of the spectrum, want you to believe Donald Trump is an incompetent buffoon, that he’s a spoiled rich rich who grew up with daddy’s money. What people need to understand in that Trump is incredibly smart, and terribly savvy. Few people on planet Earth are as good at selling themselves as Trump. His fortune was made in Real Estate. He wrote a book, ‘The Art of the Deal’. He’s had numerous holdings, many of which were filed for bankruptcy, yet he’d still get most of his investment back. He’s an artist when it comes to manipulating the system so he ends up on top. Every product he owns bears his name, and all of them are labeled as luxury items, for the elite like Trump.

Trump isn’t terrifying because of what he says. The comments regarding muslims, the Mexican wall, the abortion issues; he’s only saying these things to keep the camera pointed on him. It’s questionable as to whether or not he actually believes what he says. Trump is terrifying because he’s not interested in getting involved in politics. He interested on getting his name on the presidency.

“I’ve got the hottest brand in the world”

Donald Trump

As terrifying as the prospect of a president whose interest in politics is to further his product line, there’s something more insidious in the mix. Donald Trump has taken advantage of the republican base, a base that has gone further and further right in the last decade. For years, the leaders of the republican party has been cultivating a pride in ignorance, a hatred in those who are different, not part of ‘our’ group. They’ve been fed on a steady diet of Fox News, where emotions trump facts. Trump saw this wedge, and hit it with a sledgehammer. The other republican leaders have been scrambling for a year now, trying to make sense, and counter, a man who will say anything to stay in the spotlight.

The republican party has been poking at the hornets nest for a while now. Donald Trump threw a rock at it.

That box has been opened wide, and there’s going to be no way to close it now. If you think Donald Trump as president would be a disaster, you have more to fear if he doesn’t. Donald Trump says a lot of terrible things, but it’s to simply leverage his position. Make no mistake, Trump isn’t going to be the next Hitler. He’s not going to round up muslims and throw them in camps. He’s not going to outlaw abortions. He’s not going to build a wall between two countries and make the other country pay for it. His base, the one he’s been pandering too, certainly wants him to. The United States has been slowly descending into a state of authoritative control. A nation that willingly trades it’s freedoms for the illusion of safety. For the promise that a ruler will step in and protect the flock. The NSA has been given resources to spy on Americans. The police in America have become increasingly militarized. The idea of deporting a group of people based on their religion was hailed as ‘someone finally talking sense’.

The future republican candidates will be less subtle than Donald. They’ll want to round up dissenters, they’ll want corporal punishment, they’ll want to limit the choices a woman have other their own bodies. They’ll have no qualms over separating ‘us’ and ‘them’.

“My whole life is about winning. I don’t lose often. I almost never lose.”

Donald Trump

Am I scared if Donald Trump becomes president? Well, no. I’m not sure how well he understands the role of the presidency, and I have a feeling that he’ll be sorely disappointed to find out politics requires a ridiculous amount of diplomacy and compromise. There isn’t a lot winning in politics. You win once every four years, and the time spent in between is arguing over which municipalities will get road repairs. Compared to the life Donald Trump lives now, I think he’ll find it boring , frustrating and tiring.

 

“As long as you’re going to be thinking anyway, think big.”

Donald Trump

Hey, a loud mouth asshole with too much money can be right every once and a while, right?

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. I’m coming after Hillary next week. She’s no better.

p.s.s. Tomorrow I talk about Alpha Go, and I welcome our future robot overlords.