The Little Weaponized Germ That Could

Note: Recently, Russian largest tank manufacturer, Uralvagonzavod has contracted award-winning children’s writer Svetlana Lavrova to write a kid’s story about tanks. It’s intended to teach children about the patriotic values of war machines, and follows a character known as “The Little Tank”. Not happy to see prestige and wealth go to some jerk in Russia, Mr. Charlton has decided to step into the game and produce his own children’s book. Not only will the child learn the phonetics of the English language, he or she will be more comfortable of the likelihood of a disease ridden Apocalypse. Mr. Charlton will now gladly accept submission’s from artists to have to honor of creating pictures for his new story.

Blankie was sad. Even though he’d been Timmy’s frien his entire existence, Timmy was now forgetting Blankie more and more often. Timmy used to bring Blankie everywhere! Now, as Timmy was growing older, he was taking Blankie out with him less often. Timmy was also forgetting Blankie in the strangest of places. Timmy was walking away as Blankie laid on the floor of Site 42-X, a laboratory (LA-BRA-TO-RY) located in New Mexico, in the US of A. Timmy’s dad was a scientist here, and worked on weaponized (WE-PON-IZED)  germs. Blankie wasn’t really sure what that meant. What isimportant to Blankie is Timmy had forgotten him once again, and now he was left in the laboratory overnight. Tears welled up in Blankies eyes as he began to cry.

“Now now there, young fella. No need to shed tears when you’re among friends.” Blankie looks around. Through the dark, he saw three strangers appear through the darkness. The was a test tube, a syringe (SUR-INGE), and a small beaker full of green liquid. They approached slowly. Blankie stopped crying, and looked up at these new friends.

“Who… who are you?” he asked. They began to chuckle. The test tube stepped forwards, and she spoke. “Why, we’re diseases. We make weak people very sick, and then die. The great government (GO-VERN-MENT) of the United States keeps us a secret, but in case of extreme situations (SI-TU-A-SHUN), the president tears up the Geneva convention and puts us to work”.

The syringe sighed. “That’s only if the Apocalypse takes place, and the entire world goes to hell. Things have been pretty quiet up there, and we might not ever leave this laboratory.”

“Gosh, it’s nice to meet you all. What’s your names? My name is Blankie.”

The test tube curtsied (CURT-SEED). “My name is Small Pox , this syringe here goes by Anthrax, and the cute little beaker on the end is weaponized Ebola (EE-BOL-A)”. The syringe and the beaker nodded. “It’s nice to meet you Blankie. We don’t meet a lot of others down here in the lab”.

Blankie looked down at the floor. “Shucks, the only reason I’m here is because my friend Timmy left me behind…” The other gasped. “He left you behind? That doesn’t sound like a friend to me, Blankie.” said Small Pox. “We’d never leave behind a friend.” said Anthrax. Ebola spoke up, in his squeaky (SKWEE-KEE) voice. “It’s Un-American!”

Blankie got mad. The edges of the blanket became little fists. “I wish I could take you all with me, but I know that Timmy’s dad is mean. He won’t let us be friends. He’s always saying how ‘If anything got out, it would be the end of the world’. And Timmy will remember me eventually (EV- EN-TCHU-LY, and he’ll come back to get me.”

They were all sad. Then, weaponized Ebola had an idea. “I know! We can get out of here, together! It’s you Blankie. Even though you aren’t a disease like we are, you can be the vessel (VES-ELL) that transports us.” Small Pox piped up. “You know, that just might work!”

Blankie looked up at his new friends. “You think that would work?” Ebola chimed in. “Would it? That’s one of the ways the noble Europeans decimated (DES-E-MATE-ED) the dirty horde that was festering in God’s new land!” he said, in his squeaky voice. “Yeah, they just took the blankets from their sick soldiers (SOL-GERS), and gave them to the natives. They almost wiped them out completely to finish their holy genocide.” said Anthrax.

Blankie puffed out his chest. He was only a blanket before, but now he was going to usher in a new age of darkness. He was beaming (BEEM-EENE) with pride. All three of the diseases blessed Blankie with their power. “Soon, my new friends, we’ll all leave this place, and sing the song that will end the world!” And with that, they all began to sing.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. I could also use a song writer here, I think I’m striking gold with this kid’s stuff. If anyone wants to jam out a couple songs about the harbinger of death, drop me a line.

p.s.s. If you hadn’t noticed, I’m not very good at spelling things out phonetically. I really struggled with that part, just so you know.

No Party for Trump

You know, I really want to talk about the whole Justin Trudeau thing. I’d love to pick apart some of the lousy choices he’s made in the last few weeks. I’d relish the talk discussing the whole debacle with the crying lady, Kathy Katula, and how the Ontario government is poorly managing the juice flowing through the power lines. Now Justin has got himself a set of wheels and his taking his show across the nation. There’re some interesting things happening here in Canada. But have you seen what’s happening down south?

Trump’s inauguration is officially a week away, and he’s had more scandals in the last two months than President Obama had in the last two terms. Seriously. You want to know how bad it is? The Presidential inauguration is usually a star-studded event. Trump’s team is struggling to get anyone to show up. Trump’s been tweeting that he wants the PEOPLE there, not the celebrities he’s been hobnobbing with for the last decade. It’s weird to see a guy who spent years hosting celebrities on his game show not have any celebrities show up. Sad!

It’s not just celebrities boycotting the event. There are a couple of politicians who will be spending the day at home instead of at the White House, and I have a feeling that number is going to grow in the next few days. First, Rep. John Lewis, a congressman and civil rights leader, stated he wouldn’t be attending the inauguration, saying Trump wasn’t a legitimate president. Trump can’t resist low hanging fruit, and pounced on the opportunity to attack Lewis, stating his district is “in horrible shape” and that Lewis is all “talk, talk, talk”. This wasn’t exactly a smart move on Trump’s part, because John Lewis’ district is actually in good condition, and he’s a pretty stand-up guy. This led to a huge volume of people calling Trump out on his statement, Democrats and Republicans alike.  Now Rep. Mark Takano is skipping the event as well. I thin Mark and John will be getting beers that evening and repeating the same phrase throughout the night. “Isn’t having Trump as president insane?” They’ll look at each other, laugh a little, then get quiet for bit before talking about whatever congressmen talk about. Breakfast cereal, I would imagine.

But this isn’t really news. You want to know what’s news? The fact that the incoming president might actually have compromising ties to Russia. You that post I wrote a couple days ago, saying there are rumors that the Krelim has been working closely with Trump’s team? It’s turning out that those allegations might have some weight to them. Spy agencies all over the world are freaking out right now. Israel, one of the United States closest allies is terrified the new president might hand over compromising information to Russia, who is strongly allied with Iran.

You might be wondering why I, a modest Canadian, living a modest Canadian lifestyle, is so wrapped up in what’s going on across the border. I happen to live in Southern Alberta, which is probably the furthest politically right area in Canada. It’s the bible belt part of Canukistan. That being said, I know a number of people who think that having Trump as president is a good idea. Not only that Trump is STILL a good idea, but rather the idea that Trump would be a better statesperson than the current Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau.

Now, you might not like Justin Trudeau spending habits. I can understand that. You might despise the fact that he broke the law when he accepted a ride in a helicopter while on vacation, and that he had a lobbyist buddy along with him for the ride. I’m there with you in thinking that was a bone head move. If you’re fuming because he wants to phase out the oil sands, I can sympathize.

But, if for one second, you think that a pretentious legacy politician from out East is less qualified than a pretentious, legacy, petty, narcissistic, pussy-grabbing, conman who’s only goal as head of state is to empty its coffers into his pockets, well, you’re wrong. If you think that a sneering elite is better than a boorish elite who’s colluding with a hostile foreign nation that squashes free speech with imprisonment and death, well, that would make you a traitor to freedom. If you think that Trump would be better than Trudeau, then there’s only one thing I can say to you. And that’s…

 

Hail Comrade Trump.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. If you like Trump because he’s saying what you’re thinking, then you’re not thinking hard enough.

 

 

The PM Refuses Help From Russia, With Love

The town of Fort McMurray has been saved from worst of the forest fire. Even with the hauntingly powerful images we’ve seen recently, 85 percent of the town still stands. It won’t make the heartache of those who lost their homes any less painful, but we at least have a solid base to rebuild upon. The forest fire itself continues to spread, and the only thing that will quench the fire’s thirst seems to be a gift from mother nature herself.

Some of the more vocal proponents on the internet would have you believe Premier Racheal Notley and Prime Minister Justin Trudeau set the Fort McMurray fires themselves. The amount of outcry denouncing the Prime Minister, in particular the rejection of help from foreign nations recently, has been incredibly forceful, so much so I feel the need to clear up some misconceptions, some contradictions and some all around bullshit that needs to be addressed.

  1. Prime minister Trudeau didn’t reject the call for the foreign aid, it was the Canadian Inter agency Forest Fire Centre that did. The prime minister was simply the mouth piece that delivered the message. Pointing the finger at Trudeau is simply shooting the messenger.
  2. More boots on the ground and more water bombers in the air isn’t always the best solution. People have been clamoring ‘The More the Merrier’, but to logistically plan and coordinate a number of people, especially a number of those who do not speak English would not only be difficult, it would actually make the job more difficult. There’s only so much airspace to leverage as well. The last thing we need is a midair collision over a raging forest to make things worse. Right now our people are able to handle to job, and this has been determined by the people fighting the fires themselves.
  3. Russia. I’m going to start off by stating I love Russian culture. I love the people, the language, their works of art. That aside, their government is one of the most brutal, totalitarian regimes on the planet. So when people, who applauded our last Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, for famously telling Putin ‘Get out of Crimera’, are the very same people criticizing our current Prime Minister that he should be allowing Putin to lend us a hand putting out fires, it makes me question whether they are confusing politics for a hockey game.

I’m going to expand on that last point. If your party’s loyalty is more important than your ideals, then you fall into the very definition of the word ‘idiot’. Stephen Harper was absolutely right to tell Putin to leave Crimera. But to stand with Harper on that topic, then turn around and chastise Trudeau for turning down Russia’s help is beyond hypocritical.

You want Russia to give us a hand? The Russia that invaded a country recently? The country that, when the punk rock band ‘Pussy Riot’ spoke out against the government, they were thrown in prison? The country that has a head of state that refuses to leave, that assassinates and jails those who try to run against him? The Russia who’s head of state does these things because he’s ex-KGB? That Russia?

You want them to spend some time in Canada? The Canada that was the no-man’s land between the two greatest nuclear super-powers of the 20th century? That stood in between the eagle and the bear during the thirty or so years of the cold war? A war that some consider not quite over?

There is a ton of space up north, it’s one of the last great un-populated wildernesses on the planet, teeming with resources. Our sovereignty over that area is constantly being contested, and it’s mostly being contested with Russia. Their government is not an ally. We aren’t exactly friends. If we have Russia set up shop here to give us a hand, how easily are they going to leave once the job is done? They might think we’re not able to handle all this untapped wilderness on our own.

I don’t particularly think that Trudeau handled the Fort McMurray wildfires appropriately. We’ll touch on that subject tomorrow. He was right to refuse help though. The rejection of help came from the firefighters, not Trudeau. If you want to get pissy about the number of boots on the grounds, talk to the boots already on the ground.

I’m not a fan of politicians of any stripes. But the idiocy needs to stop. The people who are consistently posting nonsense from both sides are technically adults. If you want to argue constructively and with intelligence, you need to form a set of ideals, not some misplaced trust in a particular party. Once you do that, then you’ll miraculously find every politician will make you angry.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. Humanity needs to stop communicating with Memes.

p.s.s. The word ‘idiot’ means someone who is ignorant of the political process, and refuses to vote (more or less, the word has been around for a while).