“And what comedian configured the region between our legs—an entertainment complex built around a sewage system?”

Dr. Neil DeGrass Tyson

Transgender washrooms. For decades since the creation of indoor plumbing and the toilet, people have segregated themselves into different categories in order to urinate and defecate. Pissing and shitting is a rather humorous issue for human beings, statistically more than half of our cultural ideas of what’s funny stems with what comes out of our bodies. Our bodies do this in order to get rid of the waste that builds up from eating food and filtering out what isn’t necessary, and people find it absolutely hilarious. Well, no one is laughing right now.

All over North America, in both Canada and the United States, a vocal war is being fought over the use of the restrooms. Right here in Alberta, guidelines were recently drawn up that revised existing policies, allowing children and staff who are gender-diverse to choose which bathroom they want to use. State governments continue to battle the feds, as the Obama administration says public school must allow transgender students to use the washroom of their choice.

The critics of this policy have a target in mind, an insidious monster, a terrible scapegoat that seems to be the antagonist in many gender related issues. Our old friend the pervert has struck again, this time preying upon our most precious resource, children. Most of the criticism for these policies has been traced back to peeping toms, leering men and picture taking pornagraphers who want to snapchat images of women undressing and taking a whizz.

Mr. Charlton hears you people, loud and clear. We need to do something about this. The problem is people are still confused about their genitals. As a culture, we are forgetting that our junk is for two separate things; procreation and relieving our bodies of waste and bacteria. We need to start recognizing that because of this, our genitals shouldn’t just be thought about as tools for sexual reproduction and sweet love making, but also the completely normal, and apparently hilarious, act of taking a tinkle and dropping a deuce.

You know what? Let’s hit it out of the park with this idea. We need to start ingraining our communities that breasts are not just great to look at, but also that they serve as the most effective way to feed and inoculate children against disease. We could kill two birds with one stone. Teaching young people that going to the bathroom is normal and shouldn’t be sexualized, as well as teaching them breast feeding is also normal and doesn’t need to be sexualized.

As for the perverts, I’m not sure exactly what to do about that. I think that any unwanted sexual involvement, like rape, groping, and taking pictures of people without their consent for the purpose of satisfying sexual fetishes, is wrong. What consenting adults do in their free time, in the bedroom, their own bathroom, or over a rubber sheet in the living room, is none of my business.

Right now, thanks to the wonderful world wide web, most children are getting their first sexualized information from pornography. Even though pornography is something created for adults to consume, an ‘Are you over 18’ button is not the best gate keeper or guardian for your child. If you really want to get rid of perverts, if that’s something you feel society needs to tackle, then we need to start teaching children to not grow up to be perverts. We needs to teach children about things like human sexuality, consent, boundaries, sexually transmitted disease, pregnancy, and that how not everyone falls into one of the current gender binary norms.

Most of the children who were interviewed regarding the current policy review here in Alberta thought the parents, teachers, and adults were making a big deal over something as normal as going to the washroom. If all the children, our most precious resource, start wondering why all the grown ups are feuding, warring, making jokes, and writing dumb articles like one over something as natural and routine as going to the toilet, you might have to wonder who’s the immature one here.

The problem isn’t perverts, or transgendered people. It’s the insistence our genitals are inherently sexual, and that idea needs to change.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. I’ve never understood the whole urine / feces sexual fetish. Maybe it’s some sort of primal thing going on, but the last time I checked, poop smells really bad.