Transgender Toilet Trauma Transforms into Tension

“And what comedian configured the region between our legs—an entertainment complex built around a sewage system?”

Dr. Neil DeGrass Tyson

Transgender washrooms. For decades since the creation of indoor plumbing and the toilet, people have segregated themselves into different categories in order to urinate and defecate. Pissing and shitting is a rather humorous issue for human beings, statistically more than half of our cultural ideas of what’s funny stems with what comes out of our bodies. Our bodies do this in order to get rid of the waste that builds up from eating food and filtering out what isn’t necessary, and people find it absolutely hilarious. Well, no one is laughing right now.

All over North America, in both Canada and the United States, a vocal war is being fought over the use of the restrooms. Right here in Alberta, guidelines were recently drawn up that revised existing policies, allowing children and staff who are gender-diverse to choose which bathroom they want to use. State governments continue to battle the feds, as the Obama administration says public school must allow transgender students to use the washroom of their choice.

The critics of this policy have a target in mind, an insidious monster, a terrible scapegoat that seems to be the antagonist in many gender related issues. Our old friend the pervert has struck again, this time preying upon our most precious resource, children. Most of the criticism for these policies has been traced back to peeping toms, leering men and picture taking pornagraphers who want to snapchat images of women undressing and taking a whizz.

Mr. Charlton hears you people, loud and clear. We need to do something about this. The problem is people are still confused about their genitals. As a culture, we are forgetting that our junk is for two separate things; procreation and relieving our bodies of waste and bacteria. We need to start recognizing that because of this, our genitals shouldn’t just be thought about as tools for sexual reproduction and sweet love making, but also the completely normal, and apparently hilarious, act of taking a tinkle and dropping a deuce.

You know what? Let’s hit it out of the park with this idea. We need to start ingraining our communities that breasts are not just great to look at, but also that they serve as the most effective way to feed and inoculate children against disease. We could kill two birds with one stone. Teaching young people that going to the bathroom is normal and shouldn’t be sexualized, as well as teaching them breast feeding is also normal and doesn’t need to be sexualized.

As for the perverts, I’m not sure exactly what to do about that. I think that any unwanted sexual involvement, like rape, groping, and taking pictures of people without their consent for the purpose of satisfying sexual fetishes, is wrong. What consenting adults do in their free time, in the bedroom, their own bathroom, or over a rubber sheet in the living room, is none of my business.

Right now, thanks to the wonderful world wide web, most children are getting their first sexualized information from pornography. Even though pornography is something created for adults to consume, an ‘Are you over 18’ button is not the best gate keeper or guardian for your child. If you really want to get rid of perverts, if that’s something you feel society needs to tackle, then we need to start teaching children to not grow up to be perverts. We needs to teach children about things like human sexuality, consent, boundaries, sexually transmitted disease, pregnancy, and that how not everyone falls into one of the current gender binary norms.

Most of the children who were interviewed regarding the current policy review here in Alberta thought the parents, teachers, and adults were making a big deal over something as normal as going to the washroom. If all the children, our most precious resource, start wondering why all the grown ups are feuding, warring, making jokes, and writing dumb articles like one over something as natural and routine as going to the toilet, you might have to wonder who’s the immature one here.

The problem isn’t perverts, or transgendered people. It’s the insistence our genitals are inherently sexual, and that idea needs to change.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. I’ve never understood the whole urine / feces sexual fetish. Maybe it’s some sort of primal thing going on, but the last time I checked, poop smells really bad.

Have you Installed Windows 10 Yet?

Running Windows 8, are you? Great, great, could you go ahead and install Windows 10? It’s free! All you have to do is click this button and BAM, Windows 10 will start downloading and installing itself onto your machine. Soon you’ll be connecting to the world on one of the most useful operating system ever devised, from your friends here at Microsoft.

Wait, hold on a sec, you clicked the other button, the one that said “Hey, I don’t want a great new product absolutely free”. Gotcha, you must have totally made some sort of mistake there, because there is NO WAY a rational, smart, educated, and good looking person such as yourself would even think about passing up the opportunity to upgrade to our latest piece of software, especially a free upgrade. So I’m going to throw up the message once again, make sure to push the right button this time.

Huh. You did it again. I wonder if there is something wrong with your mouse. Could also be a Windows 8 thing! It wasn’t a very good product. I mean, it wasn’t a very good product compared to Windows 10. Did I mention that Windows 10 is free? Well, considering you’re going to your… uhg… Chrome internet browser, it looks like your mouse is working just fine. Wow, you have a lot of toolbars. It’s like you’ll click on anything. Except for our product. Let me see if I can convince you that Windows 10 is a better fit for you.

Windows 10 is faster than Windows 8. And everyone wants more speed! You didn’t have enough RAM before? Well, Windows 10 uses less of it. All that RAM is just free for the taking. By you! You can use that RAM. To run other programs faster and better. Shucks, you can even run more programs now with all that free RAM. I should mention again that Windows 10 is free. And it comes pre-loaded with a bunch of new features.

It now has Cortana! You though Siri was cool, well, just you wait until you try out Cortana. She was Master Chief’s friend in the Halo series. You remember Halo, right? Awards winning video game series published by Microsoft for the Xboxes? You played it, right? No? Oh, okay, so then I guess having the protagonist’s sexy AI sidekick  isn’t really a selling point. But still, cool, right? You can talk to your computer like they do in Star Trek. Who doesn’t like Star Trek?

… You don’t like Star Trek? Really? So, you haven’t played Halo, not a Star Trek fan. Alright, alright, I’m beginning to see a pattern here. I’m just going to go ahead and ask you, what are you using your computer for anyways? Hmm… .okay…. hmmm… you’re using it for Facebook and Youtube videos, huh? That’s it. Okay, well, what if I told you that Facebook, Messenger and Instagram are creating new and improved apps for Windows 10, and that…

Wow, you just clicked the button. That’s all it took, huh? You couldn’t have possibly read the licensing terms and agreement that fast. I’m excited to see that you trust our products, but you should really at least skim them. Hey, we’re just glad you’re on board. I also see that you’ve clicked on the ‘Import Old Programs’ button. Sure thing, let me just take a look, yep, everything seems normal… What’s sexygirlsdancing.exe? Why did you install this? You don’t remember, huh? Let’s see what else we have buried here… oh gosh. Oh my.

  • freelamegame.exe
  • facebooklaughs.exe
  • usesocsecnumaspass.exe
  • 101jokesoftheday.exe
  • thebesttrojanhorse.exe

Do you have any idea what you’ve done? You’ve basically given your computer AIDS. You clicked, you clicked on everything. I can’t… I can’t bring all this over. Please don’t make me bring this over.

button

*** System Re-booting***

Bill-Gates.PNG Review by %$#Will-Gats-420#$%

Windoz ten sux teh big 1. Wat a waste of tim. i uses to luv microsov, but know they R teh lamest! Now my sweet rig wont paly any of my gamez. Cortana is sooooo coo, tho, only cool thing about this whole lameass windoz 10.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. I recently updated to Windows 10. It’s actually not a bad operating system. Keep in mind though, I didn’t bring anything over, I did an install from scratch.

p.s.s. You have no idea how hard it is to write like an idiot on the internet. I mean, I’ve struggled with writing before, I think everyone has struggled in the past with putting words down, but sweet peaches.

p.s.s.s. I now have a lot more respect for professional trolls who act like morons on the internet. There’s actually an art to spelling that badly.

 

 

The Killing of Harambe the Gorilla

The Cincinnati Zoo is responding to an incident that recently happened at their zoo. A four year old boy, who managed to circumvent the safety bars at the gorilla enclosure, fell in. Harambe the gorilla, a seventeen year old western lowland gorilla, grabbed the boy by the ankle and took him further into the enclosure.

Reports from eye witnesses vary. Some noted that Harambe seemed to be taking care of the small child, protecting him and standing in front of him. Others said that the gorilla violently grabbed the boy and dragged him from the moat. In the end, the zoo made the decision to shoot the gorilla, killing it.

Now everyone seems to be outraged at the killing of the gorilla, or they’re outraged that people are outraged that an animal was put down to save a child. Protestors are holding a vigil for Harambe, Rainn Wilson reminds us that people are killed by guns every day, Kaley Cuoco and Ricky Gervais are leading a tribute to the fallen animal, and even the Donald is giving us his two cents on the matter. Some people want to press charges against the zoo, some people want to press charges against the parents of the kid. Everyone seems to have an opinion about the matter.

People like animals. A lot of celebrities seem to take up causes for animals, saying they’re speaking for those that can’t speak for themselves. They wax poetic about animals, talking about their majesty, their grace and their poise. And animals are amazing, I have to agree. Unfortunately, they’re still animals, and they still behave like animals. They can be brutally vicious, highly territorial, and incredibly unpredictable. Remember the chimpanzee Travis? He was an animal star, until one day he decided to rip off someone’s face.

People forget that this wasn’t Jane Goodall trapped down there with a gorilla, it was a toddler. And this wasn’t the serene setting of the African jungle, this was a crowded zoo in Cincinnati. The crowd of zoo patrons start freaking out and panicking once they saw what was going on. That’s typically what crowds do. Now you have this scenario where there’s a child, and a massive gorilla in the way, with everyone around screaming and making a scene.

Some have suggested they should have used tranquilizers. Except knocking out an animal isn’t like in the movies. It takes minutes for a tranquilizer to act on the body, not seconds. So for a few minutes, you’ve just shot a wild animal with a dart, which I’m sure is painful, while it’s standing in front of a tyke. They couldn’t afford to take the risk that the gorilla wouldn’t just freak out.

The zoo made the right call to kill Harambe. The boy climbed over the barriers holding Harambe, and occasionally kids will make poor judgements like that. What’s always odd is the number of celebrities that seem to come out of the wood works when an animal is killed. When Cecil the Lion was killed, Jimmy Kimmel was in tears, and devoted his opening monologue to the death of Cecil. Numerous celebrities are involved with PETA, even though PETA is a notoriously radical organization, wanting to end the possession of animals for pets. If PETA had it’s way, you wouldn’t be allowed to own a dog or a pet fish.

I just find it somewhat bizarre that smart, successful people, especially those in show business, don’t understand that wild animals are still wild animals. On the other hand, I grew up in a part of the world where wildlife is common. I’ve been educated in knowing how to react properly to a bear, and understand that although moose look like big, wild cows, they’re insanely territorial and violent creatures if provoked. And that’s the conclusion I normally draw from these scenarios. That if you’re raised in an environment that is more tolerant of wild animals, you’ll find out that bears aren’t cuddly and deer are kind of a nuisance.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. Still, it’s not a good thing Harambe was shot. The best outcome would have been a tea party between the boy and Harambe. Thanks Disney, for screwing up a number of people’s expectations when it comes to animal / human relationships.