On June 6th, 1944, Operation Overload began as the largest seaborne invasion in the history of mankind took place on the beaches of Normandy France. The beach was divided into five different sectors; Utah, Omaha, Juno, Gold, and Sword beach.  It was a gamble and the stakes were high. Should this operation fail, the Allies may never had another chance to gain a foothold on Axis territory on the Western front. Allied casualties were in the thousands, with over 4,000 confirmed dead. Even though the Allies eventually succeeded, it was a slog. It wasn’t until June 12th, six days later, that all five beach heads were connected. The first day, June 6th, is now referred to as D-Day.

I’m not a historian, in fact, I know a few people who are. They’d be far more qualified to talk about the landing than I ever would be. But we are not talking about D-Day, we are going to talk about it’s virtual recreation in video games, and why it was so popular a decade ago.

To anyone reading this who isn’t familiar with video games, don’t worry, this article isn’t going to go into depth regarding the mechanics of video games. What you might find interesting is that during the late nineties and the early naughts, a genre of video game became increasingly popular. The first person shooter, a genre of game where you take direct control of an avatar, with a gun pointing forward, and shoot enemy opponents. This is still an incredibly popular genre, with some notable games including Halo, Call of Duty, Half-Life and Battlefield. A large percentage of these games took place during World War 2, and the games that used World War 2 as a backdrop often featured the landing on Normandy beach.

I’m not joking when I say a large number of games use WW2 as a backdrop; there are literally hundreds of games that take place during WW2. Hundreds of games where you play as the Allies, sent of missions to liberate Europe, killing Nazi soldiers to progress. You can walk, run, drive a jeep, drive a tank, fly a plane, take command of a massive battleship, there isn’t a vehicle used in the conflict that hasn’t been put in a video game. From the beach heads in France, to the Eastern Front in Russia, to the deserts of Northern Africa, and the Pacific battles of Pearl Harbor, Iwa Jima, and Midway; there is hardly any battle in the history of WW2 that has not been in a video game.

For a while, it seemed like every other game released was set in WW2. It’s easy to see why this was popular. The Nazi were an easy antagonist to portray, and it wasn’t difficult to shot them. The conflict saw a huge advancement in military technology, so there’s a lot of different guns, explosives and vehicle to arm your player with. And it was easy to create a sense of immersion, as these were real places you were playing in, in real battles.

Why was the landing of Normandy, D-Day, constantly featured in these games, so much so that it became a video game trope? Keep in mind that a quarter of the games that took place in WW2 had a level or a map with the Normandy landing. Out of all the battles that took place, the recreation of that particular battle was by far the most popular.

Honestly, when I started looking at timelines of when WW2 games became incredibly popular, you find that they really took off after the film ‘Saving Private Ryan’. After the movie was released in 1998, the game Medal of Honor was released a year later, although it’s important to note that it did not feature a D-Day landing level. After the success of Medal of Honor, the next decade saw a massive increase in the number of games based on WW2, with many of those game seeking to recreate the iconic and terrifying scene from Saving Private Ryan.

That’s my best guess, anyways. Truthfully, the first FPS (first person shooter) to be set in WW2 was ‘Wolfenstein 3D’, which was also one of the first FPS to see commercial success. It wasn’t until Medal of Honor was released that the genre took off. If you’re curious to see exactly how many game were released set in WW2, here’s a list on Wikipedia. Like I mentioned, literally hundreds.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. It’s weird to think that we ‘play’ through some of the greatest tragedies that have befallen humanity.

 

Word on the street is people are not eating cereal anymore. The sales have been slowly declining since 2000, and cereal producers are scrambling to try and win back a bunch of finicky customers. The last time Mr. Charlton here got grab nasty on a bowl of cereal was so long ago that I can’t remember what it was. Cocoa Pebbles? Something with chocolate in it, I would imagine. Why aren’t people eating cereal the way they used to? I’ve got some theories.

1. People are going with healthier choices. The content of a lot of cereals happens to be grains and sugar. Now, while I can get behind the grains aspect, a number of people have straight up tossed out anything with gluten in it, and other grains like corn and quinoa are either nutritionally devoid or expensive. Toss in the fact cereal is often coated in sugar, and you can see why someone trying to eat healthy is going to skip it. Personally, I’m kicking back on some tasty lentils or beans in the morning. Great way to start the day.
2. It’s inconvenient. Yes, you heard me, cereal is kind of a pain in the ass, at least for the newer generations. I’ve read articles claiming millennials are lazy, and can’t be bother to deal with the ‘mess’ that cereal causes. Those articles are a bunch of malarkey. You know why cereal is hassle? Because it’s full of milk. If you’re on the go, and you need to take something with you, or you’re commuting to work and you’re in the car, cereal’s now a no-go. People today want smoothies or granola bars, food that you can eat out of one hand. You have to be sitting down at a table to eat cereal. And if I’m going to be sitting down, it’s going to be the lentils and beans I mentioned earlier, or a mess of bacon and eggs.
3. People really aren’t supposed to be drinking a whole pile of milk. It’s not just cereal on the decline, but milk has taken a hit in the last decade as well. What was once a corner stone of the food pyramid, milk is considered less and less valuable by nutritionists. The much toted calcium that milk provides can be found in less fatty vegetables. Not to mention that naturally, human beings become generally lactose intolerant after growing into adulthood.
4. Breakfast is a lousy meal. Out of all the meals of the day, breakfast is by far the worst. Lunch rules supreme by far, as I’ve mentioned in the past. They say it’s the most important meal of the day, but if an entire meal can be replaced by a shake or a granola bar, then how important is it really?

A number of cereal giants, like Kellogg’s and Post, have started branching out into other sectors, like shakes and whole grain cereals. There’s also some bizarre marketing ploys popping up, like cereal that’s supposed to improve your sex life. Which just goes to show you that they will use sex to sell anything.

It’s also worth noting even though cereal consumption is declining, a strange new trend has been popping up in the culinary world, and that’s restaurants dedicated to selling you bowls of cereal. I wish I were making this up. But all over The United States and Britain, cafes that deal primarily in bowls of sugary cereal are becoming popular. For the absolute life of me, I cannot fathom why anyone in their right state of mind would be willing to drop a bunch of money for someone to make you a bowl of cereal. It would boggle my brain that anyone would actually go to this place more than once, just so they could say they went. I’m honestly struggling with this right now.

“Well, we could do brunch at this new place, they make an amazing blue cheese and broccoli omelet.”

“Nah, I’ve got to take you to my favorite place. They’ve got killer cereal.”

“… Cereal?”

“Yeah man, their cereal selection is amazing. Honey Combs, Raisin Bran, Frosted Flakes. You name it, they have it.”

“… I might have to go take a rain check on that one, but if I’m ever interested in not eating adult food, I’ll take you up on it.”

Look, I’m not against cereal, my old man used to love his Raisin Bran. But I get why the popularity is waning, even if trendy cereal bars are opening up. Because if you’re going to sit down and enjoy something, take the extra five minutes and make a damn omelet.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. Seriously, if you have the time, try my blue cheese and broccoli omelet. Perfect if you have some blue cheese on hand and have some leftover broccoli from the night before.

Right now, the lawmakers in Canada are debating over a controversial bill, bill C-14 regarding Doctor-assisted suicide. This is the same bill causing the ruckus a few weeks ago, where the Prime Minister of Canada got physical and started throwing elbows. Now the bill is being stalled, and the June 6th deadline, which is two days from the writing of this post, will more than likely be delayed.

A number of groups are up in arms over what they call ‘Legalized Murder’. The Euthanasia Prevention Coalition, the Physicians’ Alliance Against Euthanaisia, and the grassroots organization Living with Dignity organized a protest and rally on Parliament Hill, and attracted hundreds of protesters. There were speakers from the disability rights group Not Dead Yet, the Coalition of Physicians for Social Justice and the Catholic Women’s League. A number of Senators spoke to the crowd as well. On the other side, you have the organization Dying With Dignity, who want to allow people the choice to be able to end their own lives on their terms, rather than rot away in a hospital bed.

Should people be allowed to choose how they die? Or is that choice left to their physicians and loved ones?

That’s a terribly difficult question to answer. Some diagnosis’ are terminal. Medical science has come a long way, but there are still many conditions, cancers, and diseases that are not curable. If given one of these death sentences, would you want to stay in a hospital, waiting for the inevitable moment of your passing. Do you want to be pumped full of drugs, hardly lucid and in incredible pain? Even though there was no chance, no hope for recovery?

On the other side, what if a cure was found the next day? What if some miracle happened, and you suddenly pulled through? What if the diagnosis was incorrect? What would happen if the terminal diagnosis made you suicidal, just wanting to relieve you of the stress of having the hour of your death handed to you?

Law is complicated and often subjective. If you are curious as to why this bill has been stalled, the last two paragraphs have your answer. There is a lot of grey area concerning this bill, and even though I believe it will eventually be passed, I’m almost positive they won’t meet the June 6th deadline.

Here’s what I know about myself. I’ve seen a number of people die in hospitals. I’ve spent a lot of time in hospitals. Hospitals are wonderful places to be if there’s a chance of recovery. They are the worst place to be if you aren’t. Hospitals are sterile environments. They smell unnatural. They’re boring. The food may be nutritious, but it tastes lousy. I’ve played a ridiculous amount of cards around a mall table, waiting for time to pass. I’ve seen people wilt away from cancer. I’ve seen people hooked up to every available machine. I’ve seen people in incredible amounts of pain, being kept alive. I’ve seen people hopped on so much morphine that they couldn’t hold their heads up.

Personally, if I had a choice, if I had to choose between four months of agonizing treatment, or a shot in the arm followed by death, I’d choose the latter. Even though I’m a fairly young man still, I’ve lived enough to lack any regrets. I don’t need to see the Eiffel tower, swim with dolphins, or cross off a massive bucket list. I’m content with the life I’ve led so far, and if it got snuffed out tomorrow, then that was the hand that I was dealt. My friends and family on the other hand would probably have other things to say.

Here’s the kicker. We don’t often keep people alive because they are going to get better, or a miracle cure is just around the corner, or that it’s in the person’s best interest. We keep them alive because the people that love them have a difficult time of letting go, of accepting their death. We want to wish that someone, tomorrow, that people will go from a sickly yellow to a healthy colour, that they’ll gain thirty pounds, that they’ll spring from their beds and start dancing around the room.

I don’t believe in killing people. I believe in choice. I believe this body I inhabit is mine, and I get to do what I want with it. And if that means cashing in my chips and walking away from the table, rather than staying until the end and losing everything, I want to cash in my chips.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. If I ever do buy the farm, however it happens, know this. I want a big target board, and I mean big, setup. And with a circus cannon, people can take turns firing my corpse into the target board. Bulls-eye gets a prize.

Recently, I wrote about the tragedy of Harambe, the gorilla shot in the Cincinnati zoo. In situations like these, when someone has to make a tough call, there’s always a spattering of outrage. The armchair warriors will come out in droves, to explain how the issue was mishandled, and how the zoo should have reacted. Even though there was a beautiful animal that died as a result, I find it hard to point a finger at someone.

Well, sometimes you can actually point a finger at a person or two.

The Tiger Temple, or Wat Pha Luang Ta Bua Yanasampanno if that rolls off the tongue easier, was originally founded in 1994 as a wildlife preserve in Thailand. Tourists are charged 600 Baht (about $22 Canadian) to get in and walk among the tigers. What was once a preserve has become perverse, as the temple was recently shut down to due allegations of tiger smuggling. Twenty-two men, three of whom are Buddhist monks, have been charged with trafficking animals. They were caught fleeing with a truck full of tiger’s skin. Forty dead cubs were found frozen in the temple, some having been frozen five years ago. Another thirty cubs were found preserved in jars of formaldehyde. Also found in the temple were skins and teeth and other various parts.

This wasn’t a conservation effort to take care of tigers, it was a cruel petting zoo for tourists for wanted to snap a picture with a tiger. The tigers were chained so close to the ground they could hardly stand. Some of them had been both declawed and defanged. In even more extreme cases, some of the tigers had their tendons removed, so they couldn’t swipe at people or even sprint. Tiger cubs were constantly overfed, because tourists paid good money to get a picture nursing a cub. This temple didn’t have money to create a proper environment for the tigers, but it certainly had enough money to perform elective surgery on the animals. Not to mention that the tigers were allowed to breed, which with a gene pool this size caused a number of tigers to be blind and deaf.

Majestic.

When did this animal sanctuary turn into a horror show? An organization called the Care for the Wild international has been investing the temple for over a decade. They submitted a report the temple was smuggling tigers in and out a tiger farm in Laos. Based on this report, a coalition of 39 conservation groups, including the Humane Society International, the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, World Animal Protection, and the World Wide Fund for Nature, sent a letter to the director general of National parks in Thailand, urging the director to close the facility. The letter stated that the temple lacked the facilities, the training, the skills, or even the desire to look after the animals properly.

Reports and investigations continued, and the pressure has been ramped up in May 2016. Now police and wildlife official are working to remove all of the living tigers from the temple. The tiger torture camp is shutting down.

Why do places like these continue to operate, where animals live in degrading conditions and tortured? Two things; Tiger Selfies and Tiger Balm.

Only one animal here is living life to the fullest

In this modern day of one-upmanship on social media, people clamour to ‘Carpe Diem’, seizing more of the day than their virtual neighbors. And what could be a more life affirming, spiritual change than feeding a baby tiger, or getting a picture with a massive tiger head on your lap? Look at some of the reviews on Trip Advisor regarding the temple. Here’s some highlights.

• “You can hold and feed baby tigers!”
• “I realized my dream”
• “Great place to see tigers up close but sad to see them chained”
• “Best vacation activity I’ve EVER had!”
• “Yuk.”

Just like Harambe the gorilla, this is another example of people not really understanding animals. With Harambe, people were forgetting that this was a wild, massive, unpredictable, powerful animal that could have easily harmed the child. With the case of the tiger temple, people think a wild, massive, unpredictable, powerful animal could easily be tamed and chained without the use of sedatives and elective surgery.

The other issue is with the cultural problem in much of Eastern Asia, where bizarre concoctions of endangered animals seem to rejuvenate and treat ailments, like sore throats, thyroid problems, and masculinity issues. Education seems to be changing that, but there still lies a pile of old people who think that ground up rhinoceros horn will cure erectile disfunction.

I’m glad this place has been shut down, and you should too. But as long as there’s money to be made, there will always be someone willing to make a buck, no matter the cost.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. Yes, I understand that Tiger Balm contains no tigers. I was trying to be clever.

p.s.s. Factory meat isn’t a whole lot better in regards to animal treatment. Buy from the farmer’s market. Grass-fed, happy cows taste better.

p.s.s.s. All photos taken from Twitter accounts.

“And what comedian configured the region between our legs—an entertainment complex built around a sewage system?”

Dr. Neil DeGrass Tyson

Transgender washrooms. For decades since the creation of indoor plumbing and the toilet, people have segregated themselves into different categories in order to urinate and defecate. Pissing and shitting is a rather humorous issue for human beings, statistically more than half of our cultural ideas of what’s funny stems with what comes out of our bodies. Our bodies do this in order to get rid of the waste that builds up from eating food and filtering out what isn’t necessary, and people find it absolutely hilarious. Well, no one is laughing right now.

All over North America, in both Canada and the United States, a vocal war is being fought over the use of the restrooms. Right here in Alberta, guidelines were recently drawn up that revised existing policies, allowing children and staff who are gender-diverse to choose which bathroom they want to use. State governments continue to battle the feds, as the Obama administration says public school must allow transgender students to use the washroom of their choice.

The critics of this policy have a target in mind, an insidious monster, a terrible scapegoat that seems to be the antagonist in many gender related issues. Our old friend the pervert has struck again, this time preying upon our most precious resource, children. Most of the criticism for these policies has been traced back to peeping toms, leering men and picture taking pornagraphers who want to snapchat images of women undressing and taking a whizz.

Mr. Charlton hears you people, loud and clear. We need to do something about this. The problem is people are still confused about their genitals. As a culture, we are forgetting that our junk is for two separate things; procreation and relieving our bodies of waste and bacteria. We need to start recognizing that because of this, our genitals shouldn’t just be thought about as tools for sexual reproduction and sweet love making, but also the completely normal, and apparently hilarious, act of taking a tinkle and dropping a deuce.

You know what? Let’s hit it out of the park with this idea. We need to start ingraining our communities that breasts are not just great to look at, but also that they serve as the most effective way to feed and inoculate children against disease. We could kill two birds with one stone. Teaching young people that going to the bathroom is normal and shouldn’t be sexualized, as well as teaching them breast feeding is also normal and doesn’t need to be sexualized.

As for the perverts, I’m not sure exactly what to do about that. I think that any unwanted sexual involvement, like rape, groping, and taking pictures of people without their consent for the purpose of satisfying sexual fetishes, is wrong. What consenting adults do in their free time, in the bedroom, their own bathroom, or over a rubber sheet in the living room, is none of my business.

Right now, thanks to the wonderful world wide web, most children are getting their first sexualized information from pornography. Even though pornography is something created for adults to consume, an ‘Are you over 18’ button is not the best gate keeper or guardian for your child. If you really want to get rid of perverts, if that’s something you feel society needs to tackle, then we need to start teaching children to not grow up to be perverts. We needs to teach children about things like human sexuality, consent, boundaries, sexually transmitted disease, pregnancy, and that how not everyone falls into one of the current gender binary norms.

Most of the children who were interviewed regarding the current policy review here in Alberta thought the parents, teachers, and adults were making a big deal over something as normal as going to the washroom. If all the children, our most precious resource, start wondering why all the grown ups are feuding, warring, making jokes, and writing dumb articles like one over something as natural and routine as going to the toilet, you might have to wonder who’s the immature one here.

The problem isn’t perverts, or transgendered people. It’s the insistence our genitals are inherently sexual, and that idea needs to change.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. I’ve never understood the whole urine / feces sexual fetish. Maybe it’s some sort of primal thing going on, but the last time I checked, poop smells really bad.

Running Windows 8, are you? Great, great, could you go ahead and install Windows 10? It’s free! All you have to do is click this button and BAM, Windows 10 will start downloading and installing itself onto your machine. Soon you’ll be connecting to the world on one of the most useful operating system ever devised, from your friends here at Microsoft.

Wait, hold on a sec, you clicked the other button, the one that said “Hey, I don’t want a great new product absolutely free”. Gotcha, you must have totally made some sort of mistake there, because there is NO WAY a rational, smart, educated, and good looking person such as yourself would even think about passing up the opportunity to upgrade to our latest piece of software, especially a free upgrade. So I’m going to throw up the message once again, make sure to push the right button this time.

Huh. You did it again. I wonder if there is something wrong with your mouse. Could also be a Windows 8 thing! It wasn’t a very good product. I mean, it wasn’t a very good product compared to Windows 10. Did I mention that Windows 10 is free? Well, considering you’re going to your… uhg… Chrome internet browser, it looks like your mouse is working just fine. Wow, you have a lot of toolbars. It’s like you’ll click on anything. Except for our product. Let me see if I can convince you that Windows 10 is a better fit for you.

Windows 10 is faster than Windows 8. And everyone wants more speed! You didn’t have enough RAM before? Well, Windows 10 uses less of it. All that RAM is just free for the taking. By you! You can use that RAM. To run other programs faster and better. Shucks, you can even run more programs now with all that free RAM. I should mention again that Windows 10 is free. And it comes pre-loaded with a bunch of new features.

It now has Cortana! You though Siri was cool, well, just you wait until you try out Cortana. She was Master Chief’s friend in the Halo series. You remember Halo, right? Awards winning video game series published by Microsoft for the Xboxes? You played it, right? No? Oh, okay, so then I guess having the protagonist’s sexy AI sidekick  isn’t really a selling point. But still, cool, right? You can talk to your computer like they do in Star Trek. Who doesn’t like Star Trek?

… You don’t like Star Trek? Really? So, you haven’t played Halo, not a Star Trek fan. Alright, alright, I’m beginning to see a pattern here. I’m just going to go ahead and ask you, what are you using your computer for anyways? Hmm… .okay…. hmmm… you’re using it for Facebook and Youtube videos, huh? That’s it. Okay, well, what if I told you that Facebook, Messenger and Instagram are creating new and improved apps for Windows 10, and that…

Wow, you just clicked the button. That’s all it took, huh? You couldn’t have possibly read the licensing terms and agreement that fast. I’m excited to see that you trust our products, but you should really at least skim them. Hey, we’re just glad you’re on board. I also see that you’ve clicked on the ‘Import Old Programs’ button. Sure thing, let me just take a look, yep, everything seems normal… What’s sexygirlsdancing.exe? Why did you install this? You don’t remember, huh? Let’s see what else we have buried here… oh gosh. Oh my.

• freelamegame.exe
• facebooklaughs.exe
• usesocsecnumaspass.exe
• 101jokesoftheday.exe
• thebesttrojanhorse.exe

Do you have any idea what you’ve done? You’ve basically given your computer AIDS. You clicked, you clicked on everything. I can’t… I can’t bring all this over. Please don’t make me bring this over.

*** System Re-booting***

 Review by %$#Will-Gats-420#$%

Windoz ten sux teh big 1. Wat a waste of tim. i uses to luv microsov, but know they R teh lamest! Now my sweet rig wont paly any of my gamez. Cortana is sooooo coo, tho, only cool thing about this whole lameass windoz 10.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. I recently updated to Windows 10. It’s actually not a bad operating system. Keep in mind though, I didn’t bring anything over, I did an install from scratch.

p.s.s. You have no idea how hard it is to write like an idiot on the internet. I mean, I’ve struggled with writing before, I think everyone has struggled in the past with putting words down, but sweet peaches.

p.s.s.s. I now have a lot more respect for professional trolls who act like morons on the internet. There’s actually an art to spelling that badly.

 

 

The Cincinnati Zoo is responding to an incident that recently happened at their zoo. A four year old boy, who managed to circumvent the safety bars at the gorilla enclosure, fell in. Harambe the gorilla, a seventeen year old western lowland gorilla, grabbed the boy by the ankle and took him further into the enclosure.

Reports from eye witnesses vary. Some noted that Harambe seemed to be taking care of the small child, protecting him and standing in front of him. Others said that the gorilla violently grabbed the boy and dragged him from the moat. In the end, the zoo made the decision to shoot the gorilla, killing it.

Now everyone seems to be outraged at the killing of the gorilla, or they’re outraged that people are outraged that an animal was put down to save a child. Protestors are holding a vigil for Harambe, Rainn Wilson reminds us that people are killed by guns every day, Kaley Cuoco and Ricky Gervais are leading a tribute to the fallen animal, and even the Donald is giving us his two cents on the matter. Some people want to press charges against the zoo, some people want to press charges against the parents of the kid. Everyone seems to have an opinion about the matter.

People like animals. A lot of celebrities seem to take up causes for animals, saying they’re speaking for those that can’t speak for themselves. They wax poetic about animals, talking about their majesty, their grace and their poise. And animals are amazing, I have to agree. Unfortunately, they’re still animals, and they still behave like animals. They can be brutally vicious, highly territorial, and incredibly unpredictable. Remember the chimpanzee Travis? He was an animal star, until one day he decided to rip off someone’s face.

People forget that this wasn’t Jane Goodall trapped down there with a gorilla, it was a toddler. And this wasn’t the serene setting of the African jungle, this was a crowded zoo in Cincinnati. The crowd of zoo patrons start freaking out and panicking once they saw what was going on. That’s typically what crowds do. Now you have this scenario where there’s a child, and a massive gorilla in the way, with everyone around screaming and making a scene.

Some have suggested they should have used tranquilizers. Except knocking out an animal isn’t like in the movies. It takes minutes for a tranquilizer to act on the body, not seconds. So for a few minutes, you’ve just shot a wild animal with a dart, which I’m sure is painful, while it’s standing in front of a tyke. They couldn’t afford to take the risk that the gorilla wouldn’t just freak out.

The zoo made the right call to kill Harambe. The boy climbed over the barriers holding Harambe, and occasionally kids will make poor judgements like that. What’s always odd is the number of celebrities that seem to come out of the wood works when an animal is killed. When Cecil the Lion was killed, Jimmy Kimmel was in tears, and devoted his opening monologue to the death of Cecil. Numerous celebrities are involved with PETA, even though PETA is a notoriously radical organization, wanting to end the possession of animals for pets. If PETA had it’s way, you wouldn’t be allowed to own a dog or a pet fish.

I just find it somewhat bizarre that smart, successful people, especially those in show business, don’t understand that wild animals are still wild animals. On the other hand, I grew up in a part of the world where wildlife is common. I’ve been educated in knowing how to react properly to a bear, and understand that although moose look like big, wild cows, they’re insanely territorial and violent creatures if provoked. And that’s the conclusion I normally draw from these scenarios. That if you’re raised in an environment that is more tolerant of wild animals, you’ll find out that bears aren’t cuddly and deer are kind of a nuisance.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. Still, it’s not a good thing Harambe was shot. The best outcome would have been a tea party between the boy and Harambe. Thanks Disney, for screwing up a number of people’s expectations when it comes to animal / human relationships.

 

I own a dog, by proxy. My girlfriend came with a dog. So my extension, I now have a dog.

You see, I didn’t have a dog growing up as a kid. I had a cat. His name was Terminator, and he was a fluffy little badass. He wasn’t a very affectionate cat, and spend most of his time outside, killing mice and other small creatures. He’d bring us a trophy every once and a while, laying it out on the welcome mat for everyone. For the most part though, he kept to himself. So my background with animals is limited to a cat you rarely saw, and was capable of looking after himself.

This is Pookie Bear.

The baddest dog on the planet.

It’s a teddy bear pomeranian, probably the most adorable kind of dog you could ever possibly own. And the little shit head knows she’s adorable. That’s the look of an animal who knows how to tug heart strings. Even though she’s thirteen years old, she still acts like a puppy for the most part. And it’s usually so she can get people to give her something.

Pookie didn’t like me very much at first. The last boyfriend and Pooks didn’t get along so well, he refused to take it out for walks, saying it was emasculating. So the dog was wary of me at first. At one point, I had to take away a chew toy from her, because it was bed time. In an act of pure defiance, Pookie looked me straight in the eye, turned around, and still staring me down, peed right in front of me. I mean, this dog straight up just defiled the soil in front of me. It was the biggest ‘fuck you’ I’ve ever received, and it came from a dog.

When I first moved to Lethbridge, I was looking for a job, so I spent a fair amount of time at home. So I started taking Pooks for walks. This seemed like the natural thing to do. You have a dog, you walk it. It was winter at the time, and Pomeranians are basically little Husky dogs, so she seemed to like it. After a few months, Pookie started warming up to me.

Now when I leave, Pookie sits by the door, waiting for me to come home.

Visual proof that I do not have a heart made of stone.

Even though me and Pookles are getting along just fine now, I still wouldn’t really consider myself a dog person. I like this dog, but I still find other dogs kind of obnoxious. Pookie rarely barks, is house trained, and spends most of her day napping. She’s not a very good lap dog either, and won’t spend any time cuddling people. She’s basically a cat.

Pookie is getting old though. At thirteen, she’s a senior citizen, and has already gone through a major operation to remove a tumour. She’s going deaf, and we think she’s starting to go blind as well. The worst thing about owning an animal is you’re probably going to outlive it. But, she’s still in good health, has most of her teeth, and I can still take her for walks. So she’s got some time.

A year ago, I would have told you I’d never own a dog. And now, here I am, taking the little fluffy ball of jerk out for walks in the park. The once frosty heart of Mr. Charlton is thawing, and it’s partly due to a dog that gave me the largest metaphorical middle finger I have ever received. And maybe that’s why I like her so much. Out of all the insults that have ever been tossed in my direction, from friends and foes alike, no one else has pissed right in front of me while maintaining eye contact.

Bravo, Pookie Bear. You are officially the biggest asshole I know.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. How own Earth can you call walking a Pomeranian emasculating? It’s the manliest dog on the planet. Let’s say I’m taking the dog for a walk, and I run into a bear. Now, if I had a pitbull or a german shepard, they would help me ward off the bear. With a tiny dog, like a Pomeranian or a toy poodle, not only do I have to fight a bear, but now I have to defend the dog as well. And that is way manlier.

***TINY SPOILERS AHEAD***

I recently saw the film Zootopia. Before I continue, I have to say I enjoyed the movie immensely. I thought it was well written, funny, and the animation was great. What I thought would be a standard Disney flick turns out to be a clever buddy cop movie. If you haven’t had a chance to see it, go check it out.

The story follows our heroine, Judy Hopps, a rabbit who wants to be a police officer in Zootopia, the metropolis a train ride away from the farm she grew up on. The problem is, she’s a rabbit, and there’s never been a rabbit on the Zootopia police force. With grit and determination, she manages to secure a spot on the force. When she arrives, she finds that she’s not really a member of the team, and is given parking ticket duty. What Judy soon discovers is she’s only there as a political campaign stunt, and the other police would rather not have her aboard. Still determined, she sets out on fighting crime whenever she sees it.

Enter Nick Wilde. He’s the smooth talking, charismatic fox. He’s a con artist, melting down large ice cream treats for elephants and selling them back to hamsters at a considerable markup. Judy catches him in the act, and through a few loopholes, is able to pin something on Nick unless he can help Judy with a crime. And that’s where the buddy cop film comes into play.

There were the number of usual questions that arose from watching the film though. The usual “Can this world actually exist?” Right off the bat, the city of Zootopia was separated into four quadrants. The desert, the jungle, the arctic, and the regular area. There’s massive heaters to keep the desert hot and dry, and there’s gigantic air conditioners to make the arctic cold and wintery. To make this happen, Zootopia’s energy bill has to be through the roof. The carbon footprint must be outrageous.

How does their economy function? Elephants are charged enormous prices for ice cream, while smaller creatures get away with paying a fraction of the price. How does this work? Do larger animals get more money for doing the same job? Is there some sort of Zootopia subsidy that makes it possible for an elephant to live on a hamster’s wage? Throughout the movie, all the animals seem to be segregated.

How can the carnivores survive without eating meat? Nobody throws down a burger or a steak in the movie. It’s mentioned a number of times that predator and prey used to follow the natural norm, but society has blossomed and there’s no one eating meat. How can that be? Lion’s still are carnivores, as are wolves, foxes, otters. Are there intelligent cows, and then regular cows they eat? Who determines where to draw the line?

But the most important question for adults appeared when it became apparent that the two main characters, Judy the bunny and Nick the fox, were flirting with each other. A lot. These animated pair have more chemistry than most regular people I know. So the question popped up. Can judy and Nick have bunny / fox hybrids? Would they just have some bunnies and some foxes instead? Is breeding even possible, and would they be forced to adopt? For all the films messages, like, “You can be whatever you want to be”, all the films couples were portrayed as same species. Otters got married to Otters, Shrews got married to Shrews. All the pairing were animal-normative. Is inter-species coupling in Zootopia frowned upon? Is there an underground civil rights movement happening in Zootopia the film doesn’t mention? Will the sequel bring into the focus of this power struggle?

“Mr. Charlton, why on Earth are you getting worked up about a silly movie for kids?” Aha, now that’s the question for the ages. What made this movie seem so bizarre is that it never really felt like a kids film. It felt like an honest to God buddy cop film with animals. Most of the themes were pretty serious. There was some jokes thrown in for kids, but as a film, it bucked the rules. Most of the time, with animated films like this, you get a children’s film with a few adult jokes sprinkled in. This was the opposite. It was an adult movie with kids jokes in it.

It’s still an enjoyable movie for all ages. But Disney, if you’re going to make a film with a lot of adult tones, keep in mind that you might get a lot of adult questions.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. And goddamnit Disney, stop giving your animals bedroom eyes. There’s enough confused furries as it stands.

On April 15th, 2014, Bermuda shorts day, the last day of class for students at the University of Calgary, Matthew de Grood entered a house party in the Brentwood area that was winding down. Inside the house there was 23 year old Kaitlin Perras, 27 year old Lawrence Hong, 23 year old Josh Hunter, 21 year old Zackariah Rathwell, and 22 year old Jordan Segura. Matt was only 24 himself at the time. Matt grabbed a ten inch kitchen knife and stabbed all five of the pre-mentioned victims. All five of the young, promising students ended up dying from their wounds. It’s the deadliest mass murder in the city of Calgary’s history.

On May 25th, 2016, over two years later, Matthew de Grood was found not criminally responsible (NCR) for the murders. Two of the three expert witnesses suggest that de Grood leaned towards schizophrenia, and all three believe that he was suffering from a psychotic episode at the time of the stabbings. The question now remains. Was the NCR verdict correct?

The events that transpired were during a psychotic episode, keep that in mind. Matt de Grood thought he was an alien fighting werewolves, vampires and members of the Illuminati when the attack happened. He was under the impression the world was coming to an end. He bought a garlic supplement from the Safeway where he worked the night of the murders. Before the attack, he texted his parents a few bizarre messages. They became worried, and the father, a former investigator for the police, went looking for him, while his mother sent an alert to the authorities. They were concerned he had become suicidal.

Up until two months before the attacks, Matt was an exemplary student at the University of Calgary, and employed at nearby Safeway in the produce department. His boss described him as “… a really nice guy. He was very caring to people, an all around good person”. Two months before the attack, his co-workers noted he became paranoid, and started acting irrationally.

Matthew de Grood gave a statement via his lawyer, saying how deeply sorry and apologetic he was for the deaths of the five people who lost their lives two years ago. I’m not certain if Matt actually understands the gravity of his situation since the attack, due to his condition. While it is possible that, with time and treatment, Matthew de Grood could be reinstated into society, there’s also the possibility that he will remain in a psychiatric health facility for the rest of his life.

NCR states that a person is not responsible for the crime that occurred. The NCR defense isn’t concerned with person’s current mental state, but rather the stare of the perpetrator when then offence took place. The NCR verdict isn’t a failure of our judicial system. What it highlights, however, is our societies failure to recognize and seek treatment for those who are suffering from mental health issues.

I’ve heard comments that some people wish to have Matt locked away for the rest of his life. Others want him put away in jail. I’ve heard some people talking about the death penalty.

We can’t bring back the people who lost their lives on that tragic night. The only thing we can do is move forward, and our actions today will pave the way for future tragedies. Matt de Grood didn’t murder five people on that night. Mental illness did. The decision the courts made was the right one. If we don’t examine this man, if we don’t question him, learn from him, study him, and medicate him, then we are doomed to repeat this tragedy. We need to start learning the signs, recognizing when someone is losing their grip on reality. This will happen again unless we start to take mental illness seriously.

Placing the blame on Matt for the murders is akin to placing the blame on a cancer patient for getting sick. Matt suffers from an illness. It’s not a well-known illness, defining it has been difficult, with the three expert witnesses not coming to a conclusion as to what he suffers from, but he does have something terribly wrong with him. Matt wasn’t on drugs at the time, he wasn’t drunk. There’s nothing to pin on Matt, except that he’s crazy. That he’s mentally ill.

These things happen, and they will continue to happen until society as a whole starts treating mental health issues seriously. This is something that affects everyone, our society as a whole, not just the person who suffers from it. If you’re interested in justice for the victims, understand the problem isn’t going to go away if we locked de Grood up and throw away the key. We can only honor those who were killed by making a conscious effort to learn why it happened in the first place. Calling someone crazy or sick isn’t going to cut it.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s.

Kaitlin Perras

Lawrence Hong

Joshua Hunter

Zackariah Rathwell

Jordan Segura

If you sincerely want to honour them, then support those who are looking for a reason as to why it happened, and how this sort of thing can prevented in the future. Looking for punishment isn’t going to make your world any safer.